Like, oh my god, Lollipop Chainsaw is SO MUCH fun!!!

Lollipop Chainsaw. Even the title strikes you with such an uneven, and confusing idea as to what that a lollipop chainsaw is. Is it a chainsaw that is made entirely of lollipops – is it edible? Nope, nope, nope. You couldn’t be farther off. It’s a grindhouse video game starring a high school cheerleader named Juliet who is a zombie hunter. This strange idea blew me away, and made me wonder for quite some time…WHY DIDN’T THIS EXIST BEFORE. So fucking awesome. Thank you Suda51, and Grasshopper Manufacture!!! This is the most bro game I've had the pleasure to play in quite some time.

That's Nick on Juliet's...booty.

Her daddy!

I’m gonna lay down some of the plot of the story, so you can get a better feel (boobs) for the game. You play as the busty and ever so innocent Juliet Starling. Today is her birthday, and all she wants to do is meet up with her boyfriend Nick. And then bring him home to meet her zombie hunter family? Yeah, ooookay. So Juliet hops on her bike, and witnesses the lurch of the brain-hungry horde as she enters her school, San Romero High (Top notch zombie flick nod folks!). So what does she do? Juliet busts out her fucking CHAINSAW. Holy balls! I wasn’t ready for this. This machine designed for optimum zombie slaughter looks almost as big as our voluptuous heroine. And yes boner is achieved when you decapitate that first zombie. Oh sweet, sweet grindhousegasm? lawl. I’m getting sidetracked, shortly after going through the parking lot you meet up with your bf, Nick, and he just got bitten by a zombie. So Juliet does the most logical thing she can think up; she decapitates him, and uses some sort of magic (NEVER EXPLAINED BUT WHO CARES?!?!?!) to make him a living head. For the rest of the game Nick hangs from your hip, and uh looks at Juliet’s butt. I’m really glad this happened because some of the best lines involve Juliet’s naiveté and Nick’s sarcasm. It’s really funny. Oh and you get to meet each member of Juliet’s family, Cordelia the eldest sister who is some sort of established sniper, Rosalind the youngest is some punk kid that likes driving things (she’s the worst. She has that weird sense of humor that everything is horrible and awesome at the same time. I guess it’s fitting?), and papa Starling who is some ultimate bad ass. You don’t really get an opportunity to get to know each family member well, but you do get neat little chainsaw upgrades from them. Anyways, at one point, you come to find that this goth druid named Swan, who was stereotypically picked on in school, unleashes hell or some cliché shit and you gotta stop it, well, that’s what your pervert sensei tells you. He informs Juliet about a group of zombie rock ‘n roll lords that are bad news or some shit. The bosses are really freaking cool, and well designed, by the way. My favorite is the retro video game boss/level. The game is full of clichés like this, and the characters truly live up to each stereotype, but they do it in a way that’s not nauseating; it’s actually quite hilarious. Everything in this game is an over-the-top exploitation; excessively violent (think Kill Bill), excessively sexual, and the best part is EVERYTHING is glittery, sparkley, and rainbows. It’s a weird combination, but no words can explain the joy of watching sparkles erupt from a beheaded zombie.

Sisters!

Lollipop Chainsaw plays like your standard hack ‘n slash, and is really easy to get a hang of. However, like many other hns’, it takes a lot of skill to master this game. Juliet is a rather agile person (cheerleader – hello!), and can easily evade most zombie attacks. The problem is that her attacks with her chainsaw are somewhat sluggish, so you really have to strategize between attacking and evading. Juliet has pompom attacks that are light attacks that are used to make zombies “groggy” so you can decapitate them with your chainsaw. You have heavy and low attacks for your chainsaw at your disposal as well. It becomes essential to make a group of zombies groggy and then decapitate the whole lot for maximum sparkles!!! They call it Sparkle Hunting! Every time you pop off an ugly zombie head you get zombie medals, and you get platinum ones if you do SPARKLING attacks. This equates to meaning doing something bad ass like killing three zombies at once. The more SPARKLING attacks you pull off the more medals you earn, and the quicker your star meter fills up. The Star Soul meter is the most excellent thing ever. When it’s full you press a button,“Mickey” by Toni Basil is played, the colors get really bright and pink, and it pretty much lets you 1HKO everything. It’s so much fun. I think it’s my favorite gameplay mechanic; it never ceases to make me smile. Sparklegore! It’s the best! Having said that, you'll want to use pompom attacks to make as many zombies as groggy as possible, and then kill them all with a swipe of the chainsaw! It's a lot harder than you think; these zombies are a lot quicker than what you think! This game doesn't play like with finesse like Bayonetta or Devil May Cry, but when you think about it..it's okay. The whole point of the combat system is to decapitate your enemies, so you don't have all the precise combat and shootin' of those other hack 'n slashers. This sounds kinda lame, but there's a wealth of new combos to try out the more you play the game. 

Sparkle Hunting is fun!

Within each of the seven stages there are little minigames to break up the hack ‘n slashing. It is welcomed with open arms for the most part. A couple examples of the fun ones are Zombie Basketball (decapitate zombie heads and make it into the basket!), PacMan (You’re Pacman and zombies are ghosts!), and mostly every other one EXCEPT ONE. Zombie Baseball is one of the worst things about this game, and a major fault. It took me at least ten tries to complete it. You have an upgrade for your chainsaw that allows you to shoot, and you have to shoot zombies while Nick (who’s head has been planted on a headless zombie) runs the bases. It’s really annoying, mostly because the aiming mechanic is really, really bad. I figured out that you can take off auto-aim, and you can beat it quite easily. But I mean, they shouldn't force you to suffer for their poor aiming mechanics....

Meet Zed.

The bosses typically require several different aspects of gameplay, and you must be tenacious and resourceful! The latter half of the bosses require a mix of shooting and slashing. Without giving away too much each boss is music related, and has abilities akin to their genre of music. Without spoiling too much I'll describe the first boss because he is a great example. Zed is a punk rock zombie, and he attacks you with his words. That sounds like something super gay, and I actually laughed as I typed it. But it's a lot cooler in the game. He screams things like 'FUCKING BITCH' at you that become literal physical embodiment of the words, and you have to dodge it! Did I mention that he is voiced by Jimmy Urine of the band Mindless Self Indulgence? Yeaaaaaah!

Aesthetically speaking I really dig Lollipop Chainsaw. I’m a huge fan of comics, bad ass music, and boobs. This game nails all of this. LC has a very comic feel; the game is cell-shaded. And some of the cutscenes or loading screens are comic panels; it fits the game really well. Did I mention sparkles? Lots of sparkles and glitter everywhere. Real talk: it's not the best looking game that's out there right now; in fact, it looks a year or two ago. Lollipop Chainsaw was made on Unreal Engine 3, but having said that the game is very striking and unique. I think that makes up for the lack of truly great graphics. It's also great that it's all bright colors instead of the greys and browns we see in most other games (COUGH CALLOFDOODY COUGH). 

I think one of my favorite aspects of this game is the music. Every song in the game fits. It’s a hodgepodge of modern and past classics; it’s also a mix bag of punk, metal, and dance music. I think one of my favorite moments was when Juliet busted into San Romero High and Sleigh Bell’s Riot Rhythm was going off. Man, that got me pumped! I also laughed and enjoyed Dragonforce’s music playing full solo during one of the boss battles – the speed metal just fits. Jimmy Urine also worked on all the music for the boss battles, and his work is really boss! Oh and Chordette’s Lollipop plays when you’re at the Chop2Shop.zom stores upgrading your moves and stuff. Everything fits! It’s wonderful! It's also worth mentioning all the voice acting is really top-notch. For any Smallville fans Lex Luthor, or Micheal Rosenbaum, does the voice for Nick! If that doesn't excite you then...fans of My Little Pony will be pleased to know that Tara Strong does the voice of Juliet! She does a really great job of voicing our main character! 

This game delivers more than I think the average gamer can expect. Then again, if you are familiar with Suda51’s lineage of games you might have an idea what to expect – No More Heroes, Shadows of the Damned, and Killer7 to name a few. Lollipop Chainsaw is glittergoretastic! If you are wanting for a game that is entirely too silly, raunchy, and gross check this out. One of the major drawbacks is that the game can be beaten in five hours or so. Despite this there is a lot of replayability to this game; there’s a different mode that you can play that gauges you based on points earned, how quickly you beat it, or how many zombie medals you earned. Did I forget to mention there is a leaderboard function to the game? So go get Lollipop Chainsaw, and make your friends get it too! Then beat the shit out of their scores! It’s a ton of fun! If that’s not enough, there are multiple endings!

I think I'd rate it:

I guess I could've used lollipops or chainsaws, but this was...more fun! Yay! Boobs!

P.S. PRO TIP: Look up her skirt for an achievement!

Mind your Manhers- Out With The Old

In this upbeat world of technology there are many new things popping up all the time whether it is new technology, flesh eating humans or new records being broken.  The one thing that I feel like that is keeping us back as a society is old people.  In my opinion old people are what is holding America back from getting out of this recession and climbing back up the ladder of Global Superpowers.  To be honest what do old people really bring to the table anyway?  They can't work, they don't remember anything, they can't control their bodily functions and they smell bad.  People may bring up the fact that old people are wise because of their life experiences and that they have a lot to teach us, but we all know that is just because people would look at you weird if you said old people suck.  Don't get me wrong I appreciate everything that old people have done whether it is serving our country, inventing the wheel or yelling at kids to get of their lawns.  The truth is that old people are sucking this country dry.   Many of them take jobs that we can offer to young people who would prefer to not have to do manual labor for a living.  Old people are taking up all the fun and easy jobs and with them out of the way there would be more young people who have actual family's to support and who don't just work because their bored.   I believe this would open many jobs in the customer service field and provide Wal-Mart with a group of fresh faces from the unemployment line to fill all their greeter jobs.

My proposal for getting the geezer population under control is to create and age limit for America.  I know that this will not make everyone happy because nobody wants to be separated from their loved ones.  If we set the age limit for our country at 65 we would be able to not only weed out the Alzheimer and Dementia population, but it would also decrease the likely hood of having to go through the pain of watching your loved ones die slow painful deaths. It would also open up some full and part time jobs that old people used to take up. Not to mention the fact that it would help to take some strain off of the Hospital systems of America. I'm sure the biggest question that people are asking themselves is what do you plan on doing with the old people?  That’s a good question.  Don't worry I’m not going to kill them; instead I have a useful solution.  Why waste perfectly semi-useful people when you can just send them to another country.  If we just sent all the old people to Africa it would kill two birds with one stone.  Not only would it get rid of all the old people but it would also help out Africa.   I think that the influx of old people in Africa would be great for their economy.  It could help end child armies, with warlords going towards a more developed, smarter and more expendable army of old people who may even have military experience.  The influx of the elderly will also help to end hunger since all the old ladies will undoubtedly have gardens and spend their time feeding the hunger ridden children since they miss their own grandchildren and want somebody to listen to their stories about how much things have changed since they were kids and how when they were kids everything apparently cost a nickel.  Not only will having all of our old old people help Africa significantly it will also help to save America from the many disasters, like eventual Zombie apocalypse, with all of the weak old people gone we will be able to better protect ourselves from the eventual zombie hoard especially because then we wouldn't have to feel bad about having to kill our parents and grandparents.