Keep The Jeep Ridin!

If you have not heard of Turquoise Jeep all I can say is... Shame on you! Turquoise Jeep have made a name for themselves on youtube with their amazing videos, hilarious one liners and infectious hooks. Me and the rest of the boys here at Broskington Post are huge fans of Flynt Flossy, Yung Humma, Slick Mahony, Whatchmacallit, Pretty Raheem, and Tummiscratch.

They Bout to do This Right!

I first heard of the group when a few of my buddies showed me Flynt Flossy's "Did I Mention I like to Dance". I was instantly hooked after watching Flynt bust out some of the funniest and best dance moves I have seen in years. Sure, guys like Usher and Chris Brown are known for their dance moves but never count out Flossy and his awesome purple jumpsuit. After getting my first taste I could not stop listening. Songs like "Smang it", "Grab My Belt", and "Cavities" will make you laugh and get stuck in your head for days. 

Instead of just checking them out on youtube, buy their album "Keep the Jeep Ridin" on Itunes, it is worth it. In fact, I have not found an rap/R&B that I have liked from front to back like this in awhile. The song that shines above the rest in my opinion is Young Humma and Flynt Flossy's "Fried or Fertilized". The song is so good that it will end up being a conversation piece with you and your friends. It might even make you ask your girlfriend just how she likes her eggs (although it might be a risky question to ask if she gets it misconstrued). They also recently released a song, "F*** Your Blog", with the Broskington favorite Childish Gambino. In the over-saturated world of rap they are doing the right things to separate themselves from the crowd.

I will follow this review up after I have seen the gang live at the Houston Free Press Summer Fest. I could not be more excited about the show and look forward to seeing the boys "Smang It" on stage two. Do yourself a favor and get your sense of humor ready for the Jeep. You will not be disappointed. Oh, and if you don't like it... you can "Shuyamouf".

This has been a Tummiscratch Blog.

Overall 4/5

The greatest forces on all earth assemble!!

THE
(MIGHTY)
(MORPHING)
AVENGERS!!!!

I have stepped out of the shadows...yes, Elder is back! Ican't believe it's been almost two months since I wrote an article...whoops!Had some crazy ass times in the past couple months, though. But, I am here, andget used to it!

THE AVENGERRRRSSSS! Yes, everyone's favorite group ofskull-smashing, wisecracking super men and ladies finally got their big screentreatment. And I gotta hand it to Marvel - their campaign worked off. They'vebeen setting the wheels for this mama for years. First came The Hulk, then The IronMan, then The Caps, then The Thor, now this. And what a thrill ride!

Boiled down version: Loki is the villain in this one; he comesback from getting his ass whipped in Thor to once again stir up trouble, thistime with a pointy stick and a little cube of energy called the Tesseract. Hehas been hired by this random alien race they never really explain to retrievethis cube for them. They never quite explain what the stick is, just that itmakes everyone it touches look like they were just pooped out by a Frost Giant,and then in addition, puts them under Loki's command. Until snapped out by agood hard hit to the face - as seen in the cases of old man scientist andHawkeye. Gotta throw a shout out to the archer man. Archers have been giving mebroners for about 10 years now. They rape so much in Age of Empires II; theythe best! So I have a special affinity for Hawks on that account alone. Apartfrom that, he's pretty much a huge cock. But I digress...Loki comes down, putshis stick to scientist and Hawkeye, and retreats with them and the cube whichapparently is the key to unlocking godly power. In the process, he almost takesout Bell's Palsy-afflicted Sam Jackson, and the whole theater would havemourned. But he didn't, and instead, Robin Scherbatsky goes after him! Yes, CobieSmulders is in this; I squealed. Loudly. And for the rest of the movie she wasonscreen got giddy...in my pants. Which reminds me: Rock of Ages looks so good.So gay, but so good. I urge any who like musicals and Alec Baldwin in aridiculous hairpiece (which might only be me) to see it when it comes out!

SOOOO! I kept sidetracking myself. Loki escapes, and nobodywants the cube in the clutches of that evil queermo, so the Avengers startforming. We get everyone together, and boom! Fight on. That's the basic plot ofthe movie. So..now onto the review! Weetsa!

We open up to a classic set up for a sexy scene. Hot girlbeing tortured. Oh yeahhh. Well, except she's not really being tortured - justslapped around a bit. My personal Friday nights. Anywho. She escapes, usingsome awesome chair action on the Russian mafia, and proceeds to call good oldAgent Coulson, that annoying guy from all the other Marvel films. Flash over tothe Hulk man, Bruce Banner as he is known in that puny human form, who for somerandom reason is kicking it in India, being a doctor. Which is weird, becausethrough the whole movie, it makes it known he's a physicist, not a medicaldoctor. Hmm..but, simple little thing. The only beef I had with the movie wasthis (besides the lines): Hulk goes nuts on Black Widow for some reason (can'tremember why), and almost kills her. But then, in a big moment before the hugebattle scene, he says that he is always angry, thus that he always has controlof his power...so therefore, he was just being a giant asshole to Black Widow,and no one says anything to him about it!

On that note though, Hulk had several bad-arse/funnay asheck moments in this, including both the biggest crowd pleasers: punching Thorduring a moment of complete stillness in a little revenge move, and thenwhack-a-moling the ever-living stuffing out of Loki. He was definitely thehard-hitter they had in their climactic battle in the end. And Ruffalo did agreat job! Always loved him as an actor, but though I really wanted Ed Norton,he came through in the clutch...hard.

But back to the review...Iron Man comes in around this time,after we meet Banner, and hoo boy, does Downey kill it! First Iron Man movie isstill my number three superhero movie ever, and it was mostly due to this man.He keeps the magic up 5 years later! And Gwenyth Paltrow, dear lady, you havenever looked better. Ps, I know you had to love the hell out of her! Lawl. Shewas foxy as can be. Had some entertaining dialogue between her, Downey, andAgent Boy, some prevarications from TONY STARK (who built his suit in a cave!),and finally he decides to get off his metal butt and go help the cause. YayyyStarkie! Sadly this is our last glimpse of Paltrow - boooo!

Who do we encounter next but the now-unfrozen relic from thepast, Captainnnn America! Who's all huge and bulked out and punching a punchingbag super hard. Oh he mad. He busts it open and spills its little beans on theground, he so mad. It's kinda interesting...I never saw the CA moviebeforehand, but they really build the Captain up to be this updated buffoonwho's way out of the loops (since he's from the World War 2 era now in the IraqWar era) and who spouts outdated, overly patriotic trite. And yes, in case youcan't tell, my least favorite character. Strong, but not that strong - notsuperhero strong, basically. Essentially, he is nothing without the shield. Theshield is way cool and has a great name - vibranium! But, on the note ofweapons, I was a little disappointed that he was the only one of them to use agun - and he doesn't use it with good accuracy! So much for a super-solider. Hisbest moment is when he takes charge of the Avengers, which makes sense for himto do it...but I still wanted Stark to lead the crew. Ah well. Just my biasestalking.

There's a pretty cool scene, though it gets cheesy at theend, when Loki and Hawks team up to steal this random metal that's needed topower that cube. They crash this part, steal it, and then zoom out...but notwithout getting stopped! People all around are trying to stop them, and one oldman stands up when all others are cowering and is like 'we won't let you bullyus, you big green horned man you!' Course, Loki gets mighty pissed, and so he'slike 'yeah, you might be the weakest, littlest guy here, but you must be madean example of!' Right when he is about to blast him, the heroes come in, Capand Iron Man, and boom shakalaka, he is captured! They go up in a plane, andold billy boy Thor comes a-rocking the skies with his lighting hammer! Thenarguably the coolest part of the movie happens - Captain America, Iron Mano,and Thor all have a big time showdown in the middle of some forest. They alltry to kick each other's arses, but it ends up in a pretty big stalemate. Yeet!

So this is the film's weak point here...the transition. Theycapture Loki, and then have to deal with his mind games as he tries to trickthem into releasing him (as he obviously does). There's a LOT of cheesy/cringybanter between the lot of them as personalities clash - Cap hates Iron Man, hehates Cap, IM and Hulk have a major bromance going on, Scarlett J. is so out ofplace (I honestly have no memory of her throughout the whole movie). So theyall argue, then Hawkeye and his bad crew come and attack the flying shipthey're on (even though it's invisible - hmm!). Hulk transforms (but not in agood way!) and Thor has to come whip his ass (probably my second fave scene!Gotta love the internal conflicts). Afterwards, Loki escapes his little prison,and traps Thor in it - well, the thing has an opening that drops whoever is init straight down to earth, and it's here we learn Thor doesn't fly. Whoops. Plungeto earth, ahoy! And Hulk follows suit shortly after tearing a jet apart inmid-air. That's the way to go out - in fiery style!

So now we come to the big boy battle! Loki opens up a portalto the other world, and in comes swarms of baddies! I swear this part tookabout an hour in and out of itself - which is ridiculous. This is just onelongggg battle, punctuated by a few awesome moments - the aforementioned Hulksmash of Loki, Loki's bafflement his stick does not work on Stark's littlechestplate, and the first big old dragon dropping out of the sky. Those wereall either oooo moments or lol moments - sometimes a combo! Nick Fury, aka SamJackson's, superiors decide the alien attack is getting out of control, so theypull a Watchmen and send a nuclear bomb toward New York. Only my man Iron Mancan fly, so what does he do but rocket his sexy metal ass way high in the air,grabs that sucker, and pilots it right into the portal! Bibbity boppity boop,the earth is blowed up!...Nah, not really. You really think a superhero movieis going to end on a downer? Happy times abound! No one major dies...except theAgent Coulson. Forgot about him. He had some weird obsession with CA, which wasreally funny. But still, sad when he died. He kinda got punked by Loki, butdelivered a final blow in his death twitches! What a hero!

Joss Whedon has produced arguably my two favorite movies ofthe years. But he is not a perfect filmmaker. He is a niche man through andthrough. Good action scenes excellent comedic timing (and he is helped out anass ton by everyone's fave ex-coke head, Robert Downey the 2nd), but somehonestly cheesy dialogue and a few awkwardsupposed-to-be-cool-but-ended-up-lame moments. The action was superb, though,and it is I would say, my 4th favorite Marvel movie, behind the first twoSpider-Mans, and Iron Man. I'd say a very very good 9.5/10 for this here Whedonvehicle!

P.S. Just saw Battleship today. And I learned five thingsfrom it

1. Horsies live in Hawaii and are very distracting to aliens

2. Rihanna cannot act

3. Alexander Skaargaard is a terrible over-actor

4. Liam Neeson is, and forever will be, the most bad-ass manin the movies

5. Getting tasered for a chicken burrito is worth it if youget some hot puss out of it

DON'T GO SEE IT!!

Behold the D's Rise of Greatness!

The greatest band that ever lived is back!  Wait…did they ever leave?  Well, bros, the better question is have they done anything awesome lately?  I regret to inform you that Rize of the Fenix is sort of Tenacious D’s comeback album, but don’t fret!  Wipe those worries away with the winds of change from this album; it will literally remove all doubts you’ve ever had…about the band. 

 If you aren’t familiar with the D, then fool, go out and listen to the previous god-albums by the comedic duo of Jack Black & Kyle Gass.  Their first self-titled album is pure gold through and through; unfortunately their second album, Pick of Destiny, (soundtrack from the movie) was considered a major flop. For years fans of the D worried this would be the end of the greatest band that ever lived.  Enter 2012.  This year was prophesized to be the end of the human race, and guess what our salvation is? RIZE OF THE FENIX.  Holy balls, this shit is the bomb.  

Black and Gass have created a beautiful behemoth of an album.  It’s raw.  It’s hilarious.  It’s hardcore.  I really couldn’t ask much more out of them.  The two kings of D have created songs that have that real epic feel to them; you could compare them to classic rock greats like Led Zeppelin or the Who.  Their title song, Rize of the Fenix, is a true diamond.  The song chronicles their failure after Pick of Destiny, and their rise back to greatness with this album – And their hope that this song is a hit.  I love it; it really captures their desperateness and it has truly great pacing.  The ending makes you want to scream FUCK YEAH! 

Another song, Seňorita is proof of Tenacious D’s manic majick. Seňorita tells the tale of the singer (which I imagine as ole gringo fattie Jack Black) trying to get with this chicka named Conchita.  The song begins with him confronting Conchita’s boyfriend Larry because he has done her wrong. Larry tells him to “fucking fuck himself”; they get into a fight and Black wins.  Then it jumps to Conchita going back to Larry despite how heroic Jack was.  This song is probably my favorite of the album; I really enjoy the Spanish music influences. The song starts off rather soft, and it builds up.  It explodes into a truly rocking song at the point when Conchita goes back to Larry – truly awesome bros!  I think my favorite thing about it is that Seňorita reminds me of the Spanish soaps on T.V.  It’s brilliant!  Death Starr is also tremendously fucking awesome.  This one is about well..the Death Star and space and stuff.  I’m really this is an actual song because I have an everlasting broner for everything and anything Star Wars.  Another indisputably great song is Roadie.  This song is about the unrewarding yet essential life of the roadie in terms of rock shows.  It’s pretty much the Tribute of the album; it’s sad, it’s funny, and it’s fucking powerful.  Gass and Black deliver the goods on these songs.

The rest of the album is solid, but they pale in comparison of the greatness of these aforementioned powerhouses.  Low Hangin’ Fruit almost makes my top three, but it doesn’t have that special rock sauce.  It’s really funny though; JB sings about how and KG go bananas about low-tier chicks.  It’s sexual and solid.  My favorite thing about it is that Black gets a chance to do his world-renowned scatting.  So awesome!  The Ballad of Hollywood Jack and The Rage Kage is an interesting song.  It’s about how Kyle gets left behind after their failure of Pick of Destiny and Jack pursues success in the movies.  It’s great because it’s one of the few songs that ever highlights KG, but I can’t enjoy it as much as the other songs.  It sort of lacks the power that most Tenacious D songs flaunt.  I also felt like it was placed in a weird spot; it lies on the latter half of the album, but it feels like it should be near Rize of the Fenix (the opener).  They Fucked Our Asses is the most metal song on the album, but it is entirely too short.  To Be The Best feels like a montage song – the likes you would see in a movie during some sort of training.  Throw Down is a crazy song about ‘throwing down’ – it’s okay. Then we got the two duds; Rock is Dead and 39.  39 is about a 39 whore, and it’s just kinda..gross – not even in a funny way.  Rock is Dead is exactly like The Metal (from PoD), but in classic rock flavor.

One of my favorite things about their self-titled albums is present in RotF: the skits.  The skits are little comedic breaks from the music that usually have Black and Gass get into some problem, and Black makes a mess of it.  It’s really great.  There are two of them on the album; my favorite is called Classical Teacher where Black poses as a guitar teacher from Spain to improve Gass’ abilities.  I won’t spoil it for you, but I will say that Black brings out the Nacho Libre accent.

This album is a must buy and will no doubt be played on repeat.  This is not the most metal album, but if you’re any sort of fan of classic rock you’ll really enjoy it.  The music is top notch, and every single god damn song makes you want to sing with Jack Black.  The Wonderboy & Young Nastyman are back!  They’ve done it!  The phoenix has risen and your face will smile as it melts away! Bask in their greatness!

TENACIOUS D HAS RISEN!

Mind your Manhers- Hipsters

Fashion trends these days are all over the place with none of them really staying to long.  In my lifetime it went from punk to goth to emo, and currently hipster. And to no surprise, with hipster being the most confusing of all of them.  It seems like it is more clothed based than the rest.  Goth and punk are more of a state of mind and those people usually know who they are but it seems like anybody with an affinity for plaid and skinny jeans can be a hipster.  Which raises one big question; what is a hipster? Is it someone who is into what’s popular, or maybe it’s a new type of hippy or is it just a fashion trend started by the skinny jeans, plaid and wool hat industry?  My answer to those questions is all of the above.  It’s always tough to figure out where a trend comes from but most of the time once it’s started it spreads like wild fire.  I put a lot of the blame on Apple for being the “it” brand.  They have made themselves a company that sells products based on looks and not necessarily functionality.  While Apple is actually a pretty decent product, people don’t buy it because it’s the best, they buy it because its cool and hip.  Just like coffee shops and other things.  I recently went to a pretty infested bar and there were more bike rack spots than there were actual car spots.  What would ever make you think that you would need that many bike spots and honestly who rides a bike to the bar.  The best part about it was the fact that people were actually using them.

I guess the point that I am ultimately trying to get across is that we need to take down all the hipsters who think that individuality is owning the same stuff and acting the same as everyone else and beat some sense into them.  I urge everyone to start carrying around bats (wooden or metal), rubber hoses, hammers, brass knuckles or iPads( if you're into irony) and beat the hip out of every skinny jeaned, plaid shirted, wool hatted hipster and take back America.  

If Your Girlfriends Ask You to Watch This: AVOID!



Sorry, No Vajazzling in this show.



Recently my girlfriend asked me to watch this show called "The Client List" starring Jennifer Love Hewitt with her. I figured that spending 45 minutes of my day watching a girls show would not be too bad so I accepted. Well, if you have not heard of the "Client List" (Which I doubt most have), it is about a woman who's drug addict husband ran off to Mexico and she is desperate for money. Oh my gosh? What is she gonna do? I'll tell you. She is going to go to work at a high class, Sugarland, Day spa that moonlights as a rub and tug parlor. So she decides that the only way to survive is giving handies for cash. She becomes super popular, since she is JLH, and makes bank. Of course the rest of the show is about what it takes to balance children, a love life, and being a hand prostitute. Riveting.

There are several issues with this show. First, all of the men that go into this spa have six packs and look like they could bang a girl just by staring her down (Chuck Norris Style). I have a problem with this sense I would think that most people that need to go in a rub and tug parlor are probably not the best looking folks in the world. I can understand the sex addicts getting in quite a bit, but come one, most folks that need it are a probably pretty desperate. I also wonder where this show is going to go. I figure it will go along until the spa people get caught, go "oh crap!" and she has to fess up for the sins of her hand. Lastly, why does everyone think that Texas girls talk like backwoods hillbillies. I have never heard that many country accents in one spot and I live in Texas. Stop stereotyping the greatest country in America!





While I am on the subject of weird things girls like, I want to mention the book 50 Shades of Grey. Apparently, from what the GF has told me, this book is about a guy who is in to the whole domination thing because he was dominated by his neighborhood cougar at fifteen years old. My problem is not with the book itself, but the dialogue. It sounds like a 8th graders wet dream on paper and is silly for an adults fiction novel. It sounds something like: "I am going to slap you hard." The lady then says, "OK. But is this going to hurt?" Finally, he finishes the conversation with, "Then I'm going to do what I want... Hard and Fast!" That author is on their Shakespeare game for that dialogue.

Look, I think it is great that women love these things. As a guy, I know that I like some stupid stuff too. After all, I have watched the "Old Gregg" video about a thousand times. The point is that as a guy and fellow bro, I find it funny and I hope that you do too!



Make an assessment!