My Hype Train of Opinion 2: Picking a new system is kinda like voting.

He just got run over by a Warthog...

So last night I had a thought, picking a new video game system is like voting. Most of us have already made up our minds on the best system a year before we even see them. There is a reason for this, just like the political parties, we pick what fits our needs. I realize now, that I could not live without my PS3. I love my NFL Sunday Ticket, oversized Blu-Ray player, and Uncharted. So, when I first hear of the PS4, I will probably be all over it like Cartman's mom was all over the Denver Broncos.. Basically I have turned into a Sony slut. I had an Xbox 360 that I did love, because of the online service but I can live without that. I have found other features to be more important.

Same goes for handhelds, as much as I think the Vita looks cool, I will pick Nintendo every time. I cannot turn down handheld Mario and the rest of the first party games. The point is, the company's are not competing for experienced gamers, they are competing for the noobs. Just like campaigning for President, the old folks minds are made up. You have to convince the youth.

Now if you look at each system like a political party it goes something like this:
1. I believe the Playstation 3 is our Republican candidate. It is not extremely accessible, but it has a strong and determined fan base that will never turn on it. Also, Playstation is the older company that still is looking out for the best in gaming. It can be a turnoff for people that have never played the God of War series, but may not want to jump in on the 18th iteration. Sony fans will eat up everything put out though. Thus, there is massive love for there first party games and the characters that inhabit them.

2, Xbox is the democrat. The 360 tries to incorporate and appeal to everyone. Men, women, children, animals, ghosts... whatever, they all love an Xbox. Microsoft finds out what people may want and then tries to convince them that they do by producing the crap out of it. Just look at the Kinect. People wanted motion control that felt like they were totally in control and Microsoft delivered. They are always to give everyone something that they want. This has also been an issue. They lack first party games and their fan base is not as loyal as the PS3's they are much more likely to flip and make an educated opinion in what is best for their gaming. With that being said, they have a HUGE fan base and are generally loved.

Ugh.

3. Nintendo is our independent. Half the time I do not know who their audience really is (One minute it is kids, the next adults, and the seniors)  and what in the heck they are doing. Like Ron Paul, they will say and do a billion smart things, just to do something absolutely crazy. I love them for that.

Like I said, most people's minds are already made up.. Just like elections in the United States. Both sides have strong forces that are trying to pull the new players and the confused to their side. My advice, stop trying to appeal to everyone (looking at you motion controls) and stick with what ya know. Do what you have been doing for years, fix what us fanboys want, and the rest will fall into place.

ASS CREED!

Wha-Wha-wut up, bros? Dudez, not much over here in bobwinkle12’s end – Ha! That’s a lie! I’m beating the heat every God damned day. Lately, I’ve been busy preparing for the most AMERICAN thing ever since, uh, Abe Lincoln Vampire Hunter. I don’t know if you have been keeping up with E3 (Videogamez expo 4 nerdherds) or any type of awesome news, but the next Assassin’s Creed will be set in the MOST AMERICAN TIME EVER. The American motherfuckin’ Revolution. And guess what? YOU’RE A FREAKING INDIAN – well half Native American – BUT THAT IS SOOOOO AMERICAN. It has you jumpin around in AMERICAN wilderness, hunting animals…and redcoats – those smarmy bastards! Oh and you need more incentive to play you say? YOU ARE A CAPTAIN…OF A SHIP…WITH CANNONS! Woo boy! I dunno bros, I’m pretty damn hype. 

Recall back to my Catherine review, I mentioned I bought several games during a ridiculous sale. NEWSFLASH: They were Ass Creed: Brotherhood and Ass Creed: Revelations. I convinced myself I had to be ready for the American assassinating; well that was worded funny. I had played Ass Creed 2, and I thought it was merely okay. It had a lot of good things going for it, but there was too much repetition mission-wise and Leonardo’s invention missions were one of the most frustrating things ever – I’m looking at you Flying Machine! Therefore, I had no remote interest in the sequels that were released over the past couple of years until the bald eagle dropped a dook on my car that turned into an elaborate shit-pic of Ass Creed 3. And now, I shall review them both individually, tell you which one is better, and lastly if you even need to play them for Ass Creed 3.

Let’s start off chronologically Ass Creed-wise; Brotherhood takes place immediately after the second game. Personally I love it when games do this rather than jumping 20 years or some boosh; it makes the game feel fresh – like you never left this crazy sci-fi world of Ass Creed. Any who, you play as Desmond Miles aka big nose who plays as Ezio Auditore aka Italian big nose. I don’t know if you caught what I just did, but Desmond and Ezio are related – see big nose. Ass Creed’s whole schtick is that they have some wacky device that lets you travel back in time to relive your ancestor’s life. It’s pretty handy when you and your buds are looking for some god device from aliens (Not the scary ones with mouths in a mouth!). It’s a pretty unique story, and it’s fun to find out more info about that crazy ass ish. So at a certain point at the beginning of the game your Uncle’s mansion/city is attacked by the Templars who want the god device you retrieved from killing the fucking pope in the 2^nd game – They are not the cool-ass Assassins, and they want god devices too. But they are bad for some reason. I think it’s cuz they like power? MAYBE REVALATIONS WILL EXPLAIN!? Anyways, so you run away, Uncle dies, and god device is stolen from Temps. Ezio runs off to Rome and meets up with some dude that’s in the Assassin order there. Then the rest of the game is about rebuilding Rome to its former glory, building an army of assassins, and screwing up the Templar’s and the new Pope’s plans. It’s pretty nuts. 

Gameplay wise everything is there. This game feels exactly the same as 2. Its nuts. It actually makes me very mad. I wish this game was 2, and not a new game. You meet up at Leonardo again at some point, and the invention missions are actually fun. I really like this tank one personally. The new feature in this game is gaining assassins under your wing, sending them off on missions, and using them to attack/kill dudes while you’re playing. The latter is literally the best thing ever. It’s really cool to be just chilling and send yo dudes to kill some guards guarding an entrance. Then just stroll on in..LIKE A BAWSS. Hot damn, that’s rewarding. There’s a leveling up system for your crew off assassins, so it’s fun to see them grow. The only way you get more of ‘em is to destroy Borgia towers – they’re the ruling family of Rome and Templars. For whatever reason they remove their dominance of Rome when you blow ‘em up. I actually did this as soon as I could, and it made the game really easy. I guess I want the most as soon as possible. And for an added bonus the tower is almost always a viewpoint that you can use to broaden your map. There are also these wolf-boys that are some cult of Romulus, and those are really fun side missions. They’re always posted up in some out-of-the-way ruins that you have to do some acrobatics and thinking to complete. You receive a piece of Romulus when you beat it, which will unlock some shit – I didn’t complete ‘em all. One of ‘em was super hard to get to. Anyways, the economy is still here, and that’s fine I guess. It doesn’t mean anything to renovate shops or landmarks; it just gives you the opportunity to earn free money every 20 min. I beat this game rather easily, but I won’t deny I really enjoyed this game. It was a lot of fun to become an exponentially badass as the game progresses, and to get your revenge on the Borgias. I won’t spoil this game for ya, but I will say so I can lead up to Revelations that everything is, more or less, set straight for Ezio. For our virtually non-existent hero Desmond things get really haywire. Thaaaat’s all I’m gonna say! ButIreallywanttoruinit!!!!! Oh and there’s multiplayer here too.

Revelations! Alright, so this game is, in my opinion, a huge improvement for the series. It really doesn’t add all that much new weapons or anything, but what they do add is memorable and engaging. I really felt like the whole theme of Revelations was very strong, and it was really great filling in the blanks. So plot-wise, this game jumps off RIGHT after the last game. I won’t tell ya Bro-hood’s ending, but I will say that Desmond falls into a coma. And then the game goes off in a very original and thrilling direction. I really didn’t expect this from them. The minor characters (always-annoyed Brit-dude and hot techie girl) decide to hook you up to the Animus (the reliving ancestor’s lives machine) to sort out your coma. It’s a really cool idea because the next part of the game is Desmond in this weird island. It’s like a sterile white cube place, and a strange island is there. Desmond meets this kind of crazy dude that had the same problem as Desmond – something happened and needed the Animus to fix his head/memories – except he failed/messed up. He informs Desmond that the only way it’ll sort out your memories is if you finish the remaining memories of Ezio and Altair. This is a stellar idea because you get to play out the lives of two different assassins in two very different time periods, and find out what happened in each time. It’s a bigger deal than it sounds, and it feels more rewarding than in the other games because it’s for your own survival. Without ruining much of Ezio’s story I’ll give you a basic rundown. You play as oldman Ezio, and he’s a bad ass. I love this version than the other two younger Ezios. He isn’t as cocky as before, and there is something more real to him. His sole purpose in this game is not to kill as many Templars as possible, but rather find out why there are even Assassins around. Ezio finds about these disc things that Altair made that reveals more information about his creed. This causes Ezio to go to Constantinople to search for them, strengthen the brotherhood there, and deal with politics of the Ottoman Empire. The politics side of the game isn’t all that interesting or new; it turns out that this one shady dude that is going to be king works for Templars – whooptyfreakin’doo! But you also meet this Italian scholar chick named Sofia, and watch how geezer Ezio falls for her. It’s more interesting than it sounds, and like I said before makes Ezio believable. So Ezio finds little Altair discs throughout the city, and at the end of an Act Ezio relives a part of Altiar’s life. These were really interesting because it tells the tale of how the Assassins fell apart, and how Altair took down the corruption. It was pretty cool. I’m not going to even remotely talk about the ending of this bad boy. 

Gameplay wise Revelations is super smooth. I was really impressed because I could immediately compare it to Brotherhood. At the beginning of the game you get this Constantinople assassin invention called a hookblade. I thought it was so dumb when I first received it. Basically it’s one of your hidden blades that’s a bit longer that has a hook to it. As I played the game for an hour with it I quickly learned the many uses for it. One of my favorite uses is that you can jump at a building, and if you don’t reach the roof you can hold a button and the hook will catch the lip of the closest thing. It’s SO HELPFUL. Especially when you have to run away from something in an intense situation because in the other games you would just fall to the ground and be royally f’d. You can also use it to climb faster because you can jump up and then catch the lip of something. It’s a lot quicker! Then there’s zip lines set up everywhere in Constantinople that you can ride with your hookblade. It’s so awesome! And fast! You can assassinate guards by jumping off the zip line on top of them! I love it! And in combat, you can run over dudes by hooking on to them and just sliding over them. It is really handy. They also add bombs to the series in this game. You can make diversion, lethal, and tactical. As each of them suggests, they each have different uses. You can create cherry bombs that can distract guards and check out where the loud sound came from. You can create crazy explosive bombs that kill everything – it’s ridiculous. And you can build ones like caltrops that you drop when peeps are chasin’ ya, and they fall over because those little b’s are small pointed things! Yikes! There’s actually a whole crafting thing behind the bombs and you can make and tweak bombs to your heart’s delight. It can be a lot of fun trying out different bombs. You create a brotherhood again in this game, but it’s actually a lot more interesting. Almost each amateur assassin has his own unique mission to hire them and other missions during their training. Some of them are very interesting like solving murder mysteries as 1151 AD Batman and Robin. It was really rewarding to watch your trainees grow into master assassins! They also throw in this den defense game if Templars overrun one of your assassin dens. It was kinda fun, but really easy. I only did it once at the beginning of the game because I’m so good at it that the Templars never had a chance to take over my territory! I took more time to play the multiplayer in this game, and it was a lot of fun. It is very unique. Basically in a match you have one or two dudes that are looking for the rest of the six players to assassinate; if you get assassinated you do the same until everyone has been assassinated. It’s kinda like Halo’s zombies in a way. But it’s cool because when you’re being hunted you can attack your hunter and get points for overcoming them. That feels so good, believe me! You get perks and shit, and level up – very CoD. It’s really fun, but I stopped playing it when I finished Revelations. I would recommend trying it in the very least.

Alright, so score time! Brotherhood gets a solid 8.5! Revelations gets a cool 9. I would say Revelations is altogether better because the pay-off is there, and the gameplay is tighter, smoother, and quicker. Some of the missions in Brotherhood can be repetitive, and there’s less repetition in Revelations, so that’s another plus for oldman Ezio. Now do you even need to play these for 3? Hell if I know! Haha! I don’t work for Ubisoft! I will say that you should check out Revelations because it ties up a lot of loose ends with Ezio and Altair, and sets up Desmond for Ass Creed 3. Brotherhood is a fine game, but I don’t think it would be necessary to play for the plot. But if you enjoy playing these games, I would recommend you playing both of ‘em. Alright! So errybody go get hype for Ass Creed 3: Most American Game Ever!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cap approves this.

Baseball/ Bama/ WNBA

Baseball Season

My least favorite time of the year has finally come, baseball season.  While the pros are just starting the college season is in the thick of it.  Now I know a lot of people like baseball and it is a popular sport, but personally I’m not a fan.  It’s not so much the sport but how long it goes on.  Honestly why the hell is there 162 games or something like that, the next closest sport to that is basketball with the NBA playing 82 games.  That is more than half the games of baseball and yet they are able to find a proper champion, so why is it necessary for baseball to have so many games.  I understand that with a series structure you will play more games but come on.  While I know that no major changes will be coming to baseball anytime soon, I hope that they at least can figure out how to make it more interesting.  For instance you could light people on fire, attach the ball to an elastic cord like on Futurama or just legalize steroids.  I feel like baseball is one of those sports you either love or you hate and for me I hate it, not like how I hate hipsters (which is a lot), but like in the way that people hate North Korea or how women hate Kris Humphries.

Bama drops the ball

Probably the funniest thing that has ever happened in the history of the world happened this last weekend when Alabama dropped the ball, literally. According to multiple news sources one of the player’s parents knocked the trophy off the platform bringing one question to light.  Why the hell do you have a 30 thousand dollar crystal trophy that is only sitting on a few metal pegs out in the open, for crying out loud at least glue the thing on or put it in a case.  The first thing that I thought of when I saw this story was whose dad was it and is that kid going to be on the team next year?  Could you imagine being responsible for something like that breaking, talk about awkward.  I once, slightly tipsy, bumped into a waitress at a crowded restaurant causing her to drop a tray of drinks.  Even though I think she slightly dramatized the contact I still felt bad and embarrassed.  Now personally I wouldn’t have felt bad if I had knocked over Bama’s trophy mostly because I think that they are a bunch of poopfaces, but that’s just me.    To be honest it couldn’t have happened to better people.  I don’t want to write too much more mostly because I’m so ecstatic and I’ll just end up getting rambly so I’m just going to go ahead and end with Suck Faban!

WNBA?

The WNBA draft happened on Monday which came to the surprise of 99% of the world who were completely unaware that the WNBA still even existed.   To be fair it’s usually not a good sign when your league’s draft is on a Monday and takes place at ESPN’s studios rather than a separate and seeming legitimizing venue.  It also doesn’t help when when your jerseys have to have sponsors on the front of your jerseys instead of your team's name. To be fair even if all the WNBA games were played topless nobody would watch them mostly because most of the athletes are not that attractive, but also because women’s basketball is boring.  

This Week in History: 4/1-4/7

This week in history focuses on the death of an icon. On this day in 1994, Kurt Cobain committed suicide at his home in Seattle. There has always been controversy surrounding the event, but the fact remains a lot of people lost a musician they considered to be the voice of their generation. Kurt Cobain was a little ahead of my time. He did not have the same meaning to me as he might have to someone 5 or 10 years my senior. However, I do see his importance and wondered myself: Who is the voice in music of my generation? Let me go ahead and debate this while the trolls find a large bridge to unite under.

First, it is hard to really pick anyone as the music voice of my time, since it does not pay to be different. Just look at the artists of today. If you are not copying the Lady Gaga's or the Justin Bieber's of the world, you probably have a rather small following. Just look at Katy Perry and Nicki Minaj. Both are talented in my opinion. In Katy Perry's case she does not need all the gimmicks she pulls to be good. She has a strong voice when she uses it and does not drown it out with dance beats. In the case of Nicki Minaj, she underwhelms because she is trying too hard to get into the pop world. She had so much promise on songs like Kanye West's "Monster" but pissed it away to sing about "Starships". These two are not the only cases either, just look at Jessie J.

Preview of this year's Grammys?

seriously? WTF!

The point I am making is that if you are creative you will not receive the credit you deserve. Kurt Cobain did something different and was still popular. Bands like Fun., The Wombats, and Arcade Fire are popular but not nearly as marketable or insanely well known. I guess I am just frustrated in what Americans want from their musicians. This would not be an issue if people stopped buying total crap *COUGH* LMFAO *COUGH*.

Anyway, time to stop ranting and come up with a person who I think deserves a lot of credit for their musical ability. The artists that I narrowed my list down to are Kanye West and Jack White. In my opinion they are two people that just hear music differently. Kanye has created one of the greatest rap albums of all time in "Dark Twisted Fantasy". He also was brave enough to go completely out of his comfort zone in "808s". Jack White has worked on so many great projects, is a beast of a guitar player, and writes some amazing music. In the end, I chose Jack White. His work with the White Stripes will stand the test of time, The Raconteurs are one of the most solid rock bands to create music in the past 10 years and he has a solo album on the way that I am sure will not disappoint. Did I mention he also played the drums in the Dead Weather Project? He is just an unbelievable talent and if you have never taken the time to check out his work do it. Now.

So I leave this week's segment with a question. Who do you think is the most important musician of our time? Let me know in the comments section. Oh and if you trolls are forming an army, bring it on. I'm going to go all "Carolina Drama" on your ass.

The Easter Bunny: "Cute and Cuddly" or "Deranged Lunatic"?

As a child I always loved Easter. I remember having the time of my life hunting for Easter Eggs around my home and yard.  My parents always put quarters in my eggs so it made the hunt even more thrilling. I felt like a tiny Indiana Jones on my hunt for treasure.

"THERE"S QUARTERS IN THEM EGGS!"



This year I began to think about the Easter Bunny and got a bit confused. I had never really heard the history of our chocolate-loving  bunny mascot and wanted to do some research. The reason I was so concerned was this: What if you had never heard of the Easter Bunny? If you think about what he does, just in the most basic concept, it is wierd. He is a rabbit that goes and kidnaps unborn chickens, paints them and hides them for people to pass by and discover. I mean... WHAT?!

Bring your animals inside this Easter.

All joking aside, I now present the actual reason the Easter Bunny is associated with Easter. The Easter Bunny comes from (Like so many other holiday mascots) a pagan god. This god was called Eastre and she was represented by a rabbit. The rabbit was known as the most fertile creature in existence at the time and therefore it represented new life in Spring.

The modern Easter Bunny came as a tradition in Germany. Germans made edible Easter Bunnies out of sugar and pastries in the 1800's. Finally, Easter gained recognition in America after the Civil War. The Civil War brought about the more modern opinion of religion being about hope and not the fear that God is going to smite the world for their sins any day now. Religous hope allowed for the Easter Bunny to gain popularity and become the colorful, egg hider he is today.

So where did the eggs come from? Well in most cultures the egg represents rebirth. Germans would leave these eggs painted in bright colors for their children to find. They were fun and represented the beginning of spring as well as Jesus' resurrection.

From now on whenever you think about Easter, thank the Germans for brining over their fun, Easter traditions. And, to answer the question in the title, the Easter Bunny is definitely not a threat to you or your dog. Have a fun, safe Easter, and have one more funny Easter picture for the road.

Last Week's Biggest History Moment

March 27th was a very important anniversary for middle-to-late aged men and the ladies in their life.  On that day in 1998, the silver hairs had something to shout about. It was talked about on every social network used by the older crowd, or at least the social network of 1998: The early bird special at the reitrement home. If you haven't guessed what I am talking about yet the answer is... Viagra! That little blue pill is almost 15 years old now and their commercials just keep getting better. I mean think of the most recent, you know the one of the guy in the desert with his broken down car. Sure he might not be able to fix it, but hey at least he can get an erection. Too bad the only person around is the crusty mechanic, but maybe they worked out a deal. I'm not here to judge.

Thinking back to that commercial reminded me of another viagra one from a few years ago. Does anyone remember this gem:

Anyway, I would like to thank viagra for fourteen years of funny commericals and the LONG hours of HARD work they put in to make this medication safe and effective.

He also wants to say Thanks for the Memories!

The Hoodie Problem

This week’s headlines have been all about the Trayvon Martin case. Please let allow me to fill you in, I realize you could have kept yourself busy by starting early preparations for the Mayan end of the world and locked yourself in a bomb shelter – I mean, who hasn’t?. Anyways, Trayvon Martin, a Florida teenager, was shot in his community of Sanford, Florida by a self-appointed neighborhood watch chief, George Zimmerman. Zimmerman, the suburban vigilante, called 911, and reported that he was following a young, suspicious looking man. From here on the facts get a bit cloudy and in the end the teenager was found dead. Zimmerman told police it was self defense and they instantly took him on his word. No arrest, drug charge, or anything. Since when do police get to choose who is guilty or innocent? With that logic I could go out and do what I want. Coincidentally, I could probably use some new car speakers. Maybe I’ll just bust in Best Buy and grab some. All I would have to do is tell the police that I left my wallet in there. Hell, if I was in Sanford they would probably help me carry it all out. The Sanford police were not the only ones that picked up a case of the stupid from this incident. Enter Geraldo Rivera. Last week, Rivera made a comment about the hoodie being the cause of Zimmerman’s violent act. His reasoning was, “I'll bet you money, if he didn't have that hoodie on, that nutty neighborhood watch guy wouldn't have responded in that violent and aggressive way." Now I have worn cotton’s greatest weapon, the hoodie, and never once had people ran away in fear from me. I also have never seen a young man in a hoodie and thought, “Maybe I should follow him and make sure he is not being a menace.” Honestly, I would feel more threatened by two guys dressed up like Kriss-Kross.

Turn those shirts around boys… You’re giving me the heebie-jeebies.

But in all seriousness this is an issue that bothers me to the extreme here in the United States. We seriously need to stop judging people by the color of their skin, clothing, piercings, tattoos, sexual preference and whether or not they like Nickelback. It’s just wrong. Rivera was trying to say not to give people the chance to see you as a threat for wearing a hoodie if you are a minority. The fact that it might have some validity makes it even more wrong. This country is based on a lot of personal freedom. That freedom should include the right to wear whatever the hell you want. Yes, even you Kriss-Kross (or you Gaga… unfortunately) Most of these low-income kids that Rivera was preaching to have so many issues as it is. One of them should never have to ask themselves, “What should I wear to keep people from wanting me killed or arrested?” There is no doubt; this whole case is a tragedy. The poor kid only had skittles and ice tea in his possession; he was never a threat. There is not one universe in which a teenager should be killed in the prime of their youth like this, and for it to be okay. If it turns out Zimmerman was acting in self defense it is a sad situation as well. He is doomed to a lonely life where most of America sees him as a killer. The way I feel about this case is not the part that I want you to remember. What we all need to think about is our habit of automatically judging someone based on superficial things. Take a step back, get to know the person, and then make your judgment call.

P.S. Geraldo Rivera, please go back to warfare play-by-play or exploring for mobster vaults that do not exist. Thank you.

Written By:A Horney Boy