Alabama Shakes!

Oh man do they shake. Alabama Shakes, hails from little known Athens, Alabama, hence the name. On first listen through, the album feels old. Its grittiness, accompanied with its homey, down-south soul-influenced rock make it feel straight out of the 70's (not too mention that they began with covers of Zeppelin, Otis Redding and James Brown). Boys and Girls is their first full length album, and it is solid from top to bottom. The opening track "Hold On" is a hook in itself, in which the band throws everything it has at you. Lead singer Brittany Howard has refined her powerful, raspy, Joplin-esque voice into a force that is distinguishable in her own right. Her voice truly shines on "Be Mine" and "Rise to the Sun" in which she literally belts into almost a scream. Even when the album gets truly rockin' it is incredibly smooth. As a fan of that classic soul and rock, this album seems like nostalgia at its best. But honestly, its better than that. They haven't reinvented the genre, but they might be on their way.  Bro, this album, and this band are going places. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Le-3MIBxQTw

Catherine Review

Catherine!  My god, this is a weird game!  I say this because I know, for a fact, that this is the most unique video game I’ve played in years.  I picked it up a couple of weeks ago during GameStop’s infamous B2G1 pre-owned deals (I’ll review those other games later!), and I have been playing it off and on ever since.  I believe this game came out sometime last year.  So what makes this game ever so different and weird?  Well, allow me throw the deets at ya, bro!  When you start the game you are treated with this peculiar intro that makes you think the game is a cartoon movie or something, then immediately afterward this woman with one of the hugest afros ever (Get this! Her name is freaking Trisha, the Midnight Venus!  WTF!).  She is sitting beside a TV that displays the words GOLDEN PLAYHOUSE.  She kind of blathers on explaining that we’re watching a tv show or something called the Golden Playhouse.  I got the vibe that it was like Twilight Zone, but sexier (Afro chick had mad cleavage!).  Trish, the Midnight Venus, informs us of a rumor that men that have been cheating have been having nightmares lately – If you fall in your dream (nightmare) you die in real life! Gasp! I had a hard time taking this seriously because how cheesy this opening sequence was; I was also very confused… CUT TO DARK. 

LOOK AT THAT CLEAVAGE!

Katherine!  Such a b!

It opens to Vincent, a lanky every-man 30-something year old, and his girlfriend of probably a really long ass time (they should be married) Katherine - supa long haired nerdy-looking same age as Vince braud - are chillin’ at a tea-place.  I don’t remember much about this situation, but I certainly recall that Katherine nagging, and complaining about something. I think it was about talking to her mom about marriage or something like that. Ugh.  Why is Vince with this chick?  She’s just busting his balls already! I already was inclined to hate this woman.

Ya boys at the Stray Sheep!

It jumps to evening time, and it’s another cutscene.  You’re(I’m probably going to say you & Vincent interchangeably) at some bar called the Stray Sheep hanging out with your shit-bag friends.  They’re really not assholes or anything, but they all make a point to get poor Vincent flustered about his life and ish.  One dude’s like the super young naïve one or whatever who's after the red haired waitress (Everyone else thinks she's gross.  Beat the game and you'll find out why!), then there’s the deep-voiced too-good-looking dude who tells ya when you’re doing something dumb because he’s like a super morally sound dude or something, and the other dude who’s the quintessential douchebag that wears a hat.  The four of y’all talk about Vincent’s shit, and whatever.  Here’s a couple of interesting things about the bar.  You can get drunk (there’s a meter that notes how drunk you are after drinking alcoholic beverages, you get trivia after finishing aforementioned alcoholic beverage (I learned a lot of shit! Like what a pousse-café cocktail is.  Just…google it.), you can walk around (I have to note this.  Vincent has the funniest walk ever.  He jams his hands in to his pockets, slouches, and walks around all bow-leggedly.  It’s so weird!), play music at the jukebox, talk to other patrons (this is important for later), and play a stupid ass arcade (It’s exactly the same gameplay as the normal game except it’s about a knight rescuing Rapunzel. Lame.). Then after all your favorite douche-friends leave you to drink by your lonesome, an other worldly hottie walks in.  This chick looks to be eighteen or so, blonde, and wearing a white dress that looks like lingerie. Did I mention she had huge tatas? Catherine has huge tatas! Can you say poppin’ jugs?! (They take advantage of this in a couple of scenes)  She ends up in your booth, and y’all end up talking.  She introduces herself as Catherine, and scooches on over to your side of the booth.  Oh, and what’s this, she accidently falls in to your lap. Aww yeah, your hand on her booty.  I like where this is going …CUT TO DARK.

Make ya move Vincent!

I DIDN'T KNOW THEY'RE WOULD BE SHEEP!

You are in your boxers and for whatever reason and you have mysteriously grown sheep-horns.  You play as Vincent faced with innumerable cascading blocks.  It’s kind of funny, Vincent yells why are these blocks here, and a tutorial-sheep-person explains you gotta climb ‘em to survive! Then, suddenly, a row of blocks below you are destroyed and fall into oblivion.  Now, bro, do you remember what I told you earlier that Trisha, the Midnight Venus said? If you fall in a dream you die in real life!  So now you have an incentive to keep movin’ up them blocks.  This stage is incredibly easy, and there’s not a lot of thinking going on moving these blocks around to get to the top.  You reach the top, and you are transported to a different area. There’s like seven sheep.  Well, let me rephrase this, sheep-people standing around in this area.  In the middle there’s like the old Catholic confessional.  Okay, so I really don't know what's going on, but I'm going to y'know try to understand things..So I decided to see what’s up with the sheep-peeps, and talked to them.  It was pretty funny; they’re all freaking out and wanting to know what’s going on.  I was just like yeah, whatever bro.  I’m just trying to get through this too. (Speech decisions like these effect your good/bad meter).  I hopped into this confessional, and I was shaken by the creepy-ass voice of an angry child. Oh shit, this dude is creepy.  He declares that I am a little sheep, and I must make it through eight stages to reach true freedom.  He then asks me a question, and I’m tasked to choose between two answers – You’re asked a boatload of these questions throughout the game, and apparently they affect how everything turns out.  

Yup, this will haunt you forever.

Now jump back to the real world, wake up.  Everything’s gravy…except Vincent pee’d the bed.  Where did that little hottie go?  So the game plays like this through ten days and ten nights (more like nightmares – woo boy!) Vincent comes to realized that he is cursed because he cheated on Katherine, and the rest of the real world sequences play out as he’s trying to figure out what’s going on while juggling these two babes.  Each night is set up with several levels, and then you have to race to the end while a boss chases yo booty.  Each boss is a horrible monstrosity of something Vincent is stressed out about; without spoiling too much there’s a freaky ass baby one.  I, personally, was haunted by this image.  Oh, and there’s literally a butthead thing boss that will eat you.  That was freaky!  These boss stages are the worst thing about the game.  They really stress me out because they chase you as you’re climbing up the blocks tryin’ to grab or eat ya.  As you progress in the game they do much more annoying things like destroy entire columns of blocks, change blocks to more hostile ones (that will fucking move on their own and have creepy ass faces). And, like almost freaking level they throw a new type of block at you.  This blew my mind by the end of the game there were so many different blocks; the insanity!  My word of advice is to chat it up with your herd of sheepies.  Those worry-warts are busting-at-the-seam with game play knowledge; when you talk to them you have technique discussions.  It’s kinda neat; they show you clever ways to deal with challenges and stuff.   On a side note, you come to realize that these sheep-peeps are actually people you’ve come across in real life, and you get to hear their story.  

Get used to this face.

The rest of the real world sequences are typically cut scenes and hanging out the bar with ya buds.  I have to admit, I really liked the cut scenes in this game.  Everything was drawn/animated beautifully (or hauntingly) and were very good.  The voice acting in this game is top-notch.  I also must admit the story becomes very engrossing, and is what brought me back time and time again to finish this crazy-ass game.  I won’t say this is the most fun game ever, but I’d recommend it to see what the story is about.  If you do not enjoy thinking, I cannot recommend this game to you. I thought so hard I thought my head ‘splode. It throws a lot of curveballs at you, especially towards the end.  Speaking of the end, the nightmare stages are so freaking hard at that point – I think the longest I spent on one level was a little over an hour.  It can become really frustrating, and I ragequit’d many a time. You die so, so, so very much.  You’re not dying because the game messes up or anything; every time you restart a level it’s because you messed up somewhere.  I beat the game on Easy, and it was tough.  I can’t imagine playing this on Normal let alone Hard difficulties.  And the game has, like, eight different endings, so that’s appealing in some way.  Oh and believe me, they’re a hell of a lot better (And different! Take note EA!) than those we were given in Mass Effect 3. 

I think Atlus (those are the Japanese folks that developed and published this title) did a stand-up job creating a very different way to tell a strange tale about relationships, love, freedom, and fantasy. I want to add that the decisions you make have a weight to them, but I never felt like I was pigeon-holed into any answers.  I never in my life thought I would play a puzzle game with an involved story, and I was proven wrong.  Catherine gives the player a meaty story, and tough as nails gameplay. I’d rate it a 9/10.

Written by: bobwinkle12

Baseball/ Bama/ WNBA

Baseball Season

My least favorite time of the year has finally come, baseball season.  While the pros are just starting the college season is in the thick of it.  Now I know a lot of people like baseball and it is a popular sport, but personally I’m not a fan.  It’s not so much the sport but how long it goes on.  Honestly why the hell is there 162 games or something like that, the next closest sport to that is basketball with the NBA playing 82 games.  That is more than half the games of baseball and yet they are able to find a proper champion, so why is it necessary for baseball to have so many games.  I understand that with a series structure you will play more games but come on.  While I know that no major changes will be coming to baseball anytime soon, I hope that they at least can figure out how to make it more interesting.  For instance you could light people on fire, attach the ball to an elastic cord like on Futurama or just legalize steroids.  I feel like baseball is one of those sports you either love or you hate and for me I hate it, not like how I hate hipsters (which is a lot), but like in the way that people hate North Korea or how women hate Kris Humphries.

Bama drops the ball

Probably the funniest thing that has ever happened in the history of the world happened this last weekend when Alabama dropped the ball, literally. According to multiple news sources one of the player’s parents knocked the trophy off the platform bringing one question to light.  Why the hell do you have a 30 thousand dollar crystal trophy that is only sitting on a few metal pegs out in the open, for crying out loud at least glue the thing on or put it in a case.  The first thing that I thought of when I saw this story was whose dad was it and is that kid going to be on the team next year?  Could you imagine being responsible for something like that breaking, talk about awkward.  I once, slightly tipsy, bumped into a waitress at a crowded restaurant causing her to drop a tray of drinks.  Even though I think she slightly dramatized the contact I still felt bad and embarrassed.  Now personally I wouldn’t have felt bad if I had knocked over Bama’s trophy mostly because I think that they are a bunch of poopfaces, but that’s just me.    To be honest it couldn’t have happened to better people.  I don’t want to write too much more mostly because I’m so ecstatic and I’ll just end up getting rambly so I’m just going to go ahead and end with Suck Faban!

WNBA?

The WNBA draft happened on Monday which came to the surprise of 99% of the world who were completely unaware that the WNBA still even existed.   To be fair it’s usually not a good sign when your league’s draft is on a Monday and takes place at ESPN’s studios rather than a separate and seeming legitimizing venue.  It also doesn’t help when when your jerseys have to have sponsors on the front of your jerseys instead of your team's name. To be fair even if all the WNBA games were played topless nobody would watch them mostly because most of the athletes are not that attractive, but also because women’s basketball is boring.  

Listen up Bros

Lee Fields and the Expressions-"Faithful Man"

Lee Fields and the Expressions new album "Faithful Man" is something to be reckoned with. His classically funk and soul influenced album is more than just a throwback to those times of large afros and even larger bass lines. The title track and opening song of the album is indicative of the album, as Fields essentially tells his former woman who assumingly the album is based on to go screw herself. But in a much nicer way of course. The lead single of the album "You're the Kind of Girl" is catchy, and absolutely irresistible. Throughout the entirety of the album, Fields' desperation for his love is oozing out of his voice, but still carries the strength of his character. The album succeeds in its brutal honesty. Bro's, you will feel funkified.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yc13axfe9DQ

Nike/ Petrino/ The Masters

Nike

New technology and new specialized fabrics are all the rage with football jerseys these days it seems.  It also seems that ugly uniforms are all the rage as well, from the weird ass uniforms of Marlyland to the ever changing uniforms of the Oregon Ducks.  As you probably heard Nike is the new uniform provider for the NFL and they made their debut this week at a “fashion” show in New York this past week.  While they unveiled new technology, most of the uniforms look pretty much exactly the same with the big exception being Seattle who had their uniforms pretty much completely redone, but how really cares when you suck as bad as they do.  Nike is said to have changed all 32 of the league’s teams uniforms even if it was a minute change with the exception being Green Bay who requested for theirs to stay exactly the same and not even be updated to the new material used to make the jerseys, I think that’s mostly because their accustomed to old out dated things; hint, hint Bret Favre.  I think that all this “unveiling” proves is that if you can come up with five ugly uniforms for certain teams in college football and put the bulk of your intention in designing ugly jerseys for your CEO’s alma mater you can be successful and make people clamor for your poorly designed jerseys.  I think I have a slight hatred toward NIKE especially because I feel like they’ve phoned it in on the last 2 pro combat jerseys that they have done for LSU.  It’s like come on people we have cool colors and are close to New Orleans you could at least go with a Mardi Gras theme or tiger stripes on them or something, come on NIKE dig your head out of your ass you duck humpers and spend less time putting basketball courts up that hurt people’s eyes and spend more time in the design room.

Chick Hog

Big news out of Arkansas this weekend as Bobby Petrino was put on paid administrative leave following his motorcycle accident and his failure to report the accident all combining with the fact that he was with one of his recently hired female employees.  Details on what exactly happened are a little fuzzy but so far it looks like an A-bomb has dropped on Petrino’s head.  If I were him I would be so pissed at myself because not only did I get caught suspiciously with another women who I had just hired the week before when I was married, and on top of that I got hurt really badly, and then had to worry about being fired.   To be honest I find this story incredibly hilarious but that is mostly because I am not an Arkansas fan, but I also find this story refreshing because it shows that there is at least one non incestuous Arkansasian in that whole inbred state.  To be honest I am curious to see what happens because when you look at it he didn’t really do anything to illegal beside not report and accident and try to cover it up so the only reason that they could even fire him is because of making the university look bad, but to be honest how do you make a university in a state widely known as the dumb, inbred state look bad because lord knows it’s not known to be a super educated state. That’s like trying to make Louisiana’s public school system look bad, it’s just not that hard.   My advice to Arkansas fans is move on. No matter if you are a good coach, if you can’t stay out of the news your school is not going to want you around especially if the biggest thing you’ve done is win a Sugar Bowl because of NCAA violations committed by the other team.

The Masters

This past weekend the biggest event in the PGA tour was going on, with American Bubba Watson winning his first Masters.  Anything can happen at the Masters and most of the time it does.  This is basically an excuse for me to talk about some of my favorite golfers one of which is Miguel Angel Jimenez, I’m not making this decision based on skill or anything but simply because I like his trademark pony tail and his cigar look that started a viral phenomenon, when one of his fans dressed up as him last year.  Another one of my favorites is Tiger Woods, now I know he’s the most known athlete in the world but a lot of people stopped liking him when he got caught up in that sex scandal, but to be honest that made me like him more. Especially because now it is funny to make hole in one jokes (wink, wink, nudge, nudge).  There is one golfer and I don’t really know why but he just pisses me off and that person is Phil Mickelson.  Now I know that he is a popular guy with going through the arthritis he has and with his wife getting cancer or something like that but there is just something about him that I don’t like.  I think it has something to do with his face but a lot has something do to with his sponsors in all the PGA tournaments I’ve watched I have still never learned what Barclays and KPMG are.  You would think that a supposed top tier golfer would at least be able to get household names as sponsors.  With all this being said I think that the biggest reason I don’t like him is because he is left handed.  Left handed people gross me out, it’s like come on people why can’t you be like everyone else and just use your right hand.  Now back to golfers I can actually stand.  Another one of my favorites is Bubba Watson, not only because he can hit the ball a mile. And rock the shit out of a bucket hat, but because of his name.  I know it’s a bit hypocritical to insult left handed people and then like one, but BACK OFF.    I just think it’s kind of funny to see a golfer named Bubba, to me it almost seems ironic because when you hear Bubba you automatically think of some fat mulletted guy wearing overalls and a toothless smile not some guy with the top button buttoned on his polo carrying around a golf club, but I guess none of that really matters.  I could spend all day talking about golfers I like and don’t like, especially since there are so many of them, but I mostly just wanted to congratulate Bubba Watson on his win and throw a few insults at Phil Mickelson who fell apart in the last round of the tourney.  The only thing that would have been better is if I could have been at the Masters.  I would have followed him around all day just to point and laugh at him when he messed up and yell JACKASS at it him when he hit, like that Red Lobster obsessed guy in Happy Gilmore.

  

No...you are the demons!

Guys, gals, peeps and weeps. This is THE hardest, most frustrating, most diabolical creation that has ever slipped through the gaming cracks and ended up being sold at stores around the world. It is hell on earth, on wheels and in a black dress. It came in 2009, and I am just getting to it, per usual.

So, honestly, not much of a storyline. basically, it goes that the world, known here as Boletaria (so badass) was once good and clean, ruled by King Allant, but something happened to make these demons appear, and a great, colourless (yes, they spell it the British way) fog appeared, and with it, came more demons. And the world was basically plunged into darkness. We're the whomping warrior who comes to rescue the land from the fog and lift it back to the light.

As the name befits, we have to get souls. Souls are everything - your money..and your money. Haha. That's all you need in this game. Souls to buy equipment, to repair it, to buy items, and to purchase upgrades. Upgrades are key to survival, if there is such a thing in this game - there are eight or nine attributes you can boost up - your vitality, strength, dexterity, magic, faith, luck, and a couple more. The thing is, besides attack power (strength and dexterity both contribute), nothing helps! Luck doesn't do anything, fire resistance, poison resistance, faith, all useless. You still get your arse pizzowned. I'm so pissed off at this upgrade system!

This game is pure diabolicality, for many reasons. I can't even begin to think of them all. But here's arguably the most frustrating one. Enemies hit hard in this game. Very hard. Enough that two or three hits from one will completely kill you. So that's automatically a frowny face thing. And in addition to that...you can never have full health in this game. Unless you are in human form. How do you stay in human form? Well, you have to use a Stone of Epheremeral Eyes, and/or beat one of the 12 bosses in the game. And how do you go back to soul form? Die in the worlds! Hahah. And then your HP gets cut in half again!

Also, gameplay is simple. There's NO puzzles whatsoever. It's just five worlds of getting through tons of enemies, and in each, a straight simple action hack-n-slack and bow and twist. Nothing more. Every level is very straight forward, and only one (the tower world that's levels upon levels - the Inception of game design!) is any kind of confusing. It's just run, slash, run, stop to revive stamina, stop for using arrows, block an attack, laugh at the pitiful enemies who try to break your guard, and then die. Sigh.

Let's move on...there's two main kinds of frustrating in this game. The levels that are easy to get through but have such hard enemies that going through them makes you die and lose all your thousands of souls, and the ones where it is so hard to actually get to the end of the level, but you only get a bit of souls. Either way is frustrating as caca, though! The level that is guilty of the first is the Shrine of Storms, an almost entirely outdoors place that is filled to the brim with skeletons and flying manta rays of death. They all give you a ish ton of souls, but! The skeletons are deceiving. They'll be easy at first, then the next time you fight, they'll completely change their attack patterns! And then stomp the hell out of you with one or two hits. And you lose all your souls. It's madness! (and Sparta!)

The other place, with not many souls but a hard ass level, is called The Valley of Defilement. Sounds icky and pervy, but it's just a confusing/hard area. No pedos hiding in the bushes! There's these nasty little critters who look like deformed humans running throughout, poking you with spears and lunging at you and trying to push you off cliffs and poison you. And that's just the first level! Then the second one is where it gets reallllly frustrating. The entire level is an actual swamp, every bit of it. And just being in the swamp for five seconds poisons you. And the poison in this game is AWFUL! Antidotes are really expensive, and hard to find, and if you don't use them, poison takes about five minutes to stop. You have to keep healing over and over, and just wasting your full and half and late and dark moon grasses (isn't the coolest name for healing items? Haha). Of course, you can't run in the swamp, and the same enemies from before (the deformed humans) are still besetting you on all sides, along with the poison. So, simply put, you die in this level. A lot. I died here more than any other part in the whole game.

What else? Oh yeah. The games saves for you. There are no save points of any kind, and it just saves your progress literally every time you take a few steps. Nucking futs, guys and gals! You can reload anytime you want, but it will drop you right where you were. And if you messed up, then you did done goofed! And then of course, no pause! That's right. You can be doing battle with the meanest blakcest bastard in the whole game, and if you have to have a bathroom break, better hold it or take it there, because there ain't no way you're getting left alone in this game. Ugh. frustrating as all get out.

I've left out the best part, though...I beat this game. Okay, I went through hell and beat it. And yo know what it rewards me with? The shittiest ending this side of SaGa Frontier and..AND...guess what? a New Game+! Which means, it's even fucking HARDER! Whoamygod. I saw a guide that said 40%.Yeah, try 140%. Assholes. Even the easiest enemies, with the best armor (you keep all your old items, weapons, armor, and stat upgrades) are hard to kill! It's pure madness. And apparently there's a New Games ++, +++, and so on! Who the hell devised this game? They must be institutionalized, NOW!

Speaking of Institutionalized, I miss Guitar Hero like mad. Perry! We need to play that. And Andy, Rock Band when I come back. Snuggle Pallor, reunite!

You're probably saying, how the eff is this game so fun? Well...it's not. Hahah. At least terribly fun. But it's damn addicting. And that's the worst part of all. Everytime you die, you scream and get mad, but yet, you want to go back, beat the daylights out of the baddie who killed you, and reclaim your souls and your pride. That's all that pushed me through this game: revenge. If you're the kind of person who likes to torture themselves and purposefully plays hard games for a challenge, there can no better than this one. My awesome roomie helped me through this game too! Never would have beaten it without her help.

As befits a review, I shall give it a score: and as good technically as the game was, with lovely graphics ...I can give it no better than a 6. Good, solid fun game, but the difficulty just blew the score up. Sorry, Demon's Souls! But you sucked 80 hours of my life away. That's more than I have spent on any non-RPG. Good heavens help me.

To all a good night!

The grand old elder,

Elder

P.S. If anyone out there, barring Ps, has played Dark Souls, please tell me it's not as fiendishly hard as this one. If it is, I might just cry tears of blood.

Kid Icarus: Uprising Review

I bought a 3DS much to the behest of Hoeney McGraw (our sexy news blogger) at the beginning of this year. It wasn’t one of the smartest decisions I’ve made, but I revel in buying new toys – Plus that X-Mas money was burning a hole in my pocket. As time passed, I pretty much only used my 3DS as a substitute to play my Pokemonz on. I enjoyed the ports of classic N64 games (I’d say buy it to play Ocarina of Time and Starfox!), but I wasn’t crazy about any of the original, new titles for this handheld. Shoot, my 3DS came with that new Mario game and I beat that in, like, three days.

Earlier this week I was persuaded once more by Hoeney McGraw to throw money down on a new 3DS title, Kid Icarus: UPRISING. Sounds f’ing epic, right mates? Wait a second…is that the little angel archer kid from Super Smash Bros Brawl? Yup! It is! I couldn’t believe it. They gave this kid a game all to himself. I instantly realized what this game was going to be about; spamming arrows just like in Brawl. And what do you know, I was right!

Oh you can't? Well...Fox could!

So Uprising plays like Starfox sometimes and then like a drunken 3^rd person shooter. Oh sweet nostalgia, how you deceive me! The game’s single player is split up in bite-size chapters that are played half in the air and the other half on the ground. This, in theory, sounds like a class act, but let me tell you it is not. You will feel dirty, used, and very confused. When you take to the skies it is a beautiful and fun game. I actually wouldn’t recommend you not using the 3D function because it is entirely too many things coming at you and it makes you feel sick. That bummed me out a bit because Star Fox looked really cool 3D. You don’t have control of where you’re going (on the rails shooter), but you can move your character on the screen to dodge enemy fire and obstacles. You fire your weapon in rapid fire or wait and blow up your enemies with a charged shot. Cool, fun stuff. I really, really dug the flying sequences because I have much love for that old-school Star Fox - except you can't do a barrel roll.

Then, tragically, you are forced to land on the ground to finish up the job. What the heck?! . You get on the ground and you have complete control of your character now; this means that you can move backwards and forwards at your will unlike the flying sequences. That sounds pretty cool, but then you’re in control of the camera too. It is literally one of those moments when you realize you are in way too deep. It is such a responsibility, nay a challenge, to take control of both movement and camera control on a 3DS. It makes you wish for that special something that controllers have…what is it? Oh yeah...ANOTHER JOYSTICK! Holy Hades this game blows on the ground! You control the camera by swiping the stylus on the bottom screen, but you also aim with the stylus on the bottom screen. It is nearly impossible to be capable of defeating enemies and moving around at the fast pace of the game. Then the game lets you in that you have little power ups that are you can only activate by touching them on the left corner of the screen. It’s overwhelming! I died too many times trying to juggle with a wonky camera, shooting baddies, and trying to just not die. I forgot to mention there’s melee combat on the ground that feels super awkward because you rush up to the baddie, and then you lose sight of everything else around you.

This thing is retarded.

And another major complaint of mine is how you hold the 3DS whilst playing this game. Your left hand holds the handheld for the most part; you use your left index finger to use the L-bumper to shoot and your left thumb to control your character via left joystick. Now, here’s the beef, your right hand is used purely for the use of the stylus on the second screen; your right hand does not really hold on to the right side of the 3DS. This is a huge deal because for whatever reason it can make your hand ache and I felt like I was playing kind of tilted-like. To combat this problem the game is packaged with a little stand. I felt like this was absolutely retarded. Who can play a portable game with a stand? Oh yeah, waiting in line…let me pass the time by playing Kid Icarus…let me pull out my stand and 3DS...don’t have anything to put the stand on…FOILED AGAIN! Christ almighty, Nintendo! You’re better than this! Next time when you want to make a game for the 3DS please don’t make me have to use a stand. I guess if I ever had one of the legendary Circle Pad Pros this problem would be gone, but those are hard to get a hold of – Screw you, GameStop.

Despite my gripes about ground-combat, there are a lot of other cool elements about Uprising. You have this really cool weapons forging system. There’s nine different types of weapons that all have a different feel to them; some are slow like the cannon, some are quick like claws, some are melee focused like arm weapons, and some are well rounded like bows. So basically you can take any weapon you buy or earn from single or multiplayer and fuse them together to make a wholly different creation. This is very addicting, and to be honest the only thing that brought me back to play the game. There are also abilities, but they’re a hot mess. We’re not going to talk about them.

I don’t really remember much of the story because of how heavy-handed and kiddy it was – I think you are tasked in killing demons from Medusa or something? I don’t know, it was very faux-Greek-Mythology, but not really in a cool or interesting way. Nintendo just took Greek Myth and made it kiddie and recognizable. Your first boss is very similar to the three-headed dog Cerberus but with some other name…I think it was Twinbellows and with only two heads. The game is riddled with stuff like that, and the whole time I’m thinking ‘Who is this, Icarus?’ I really don’t know; just some kid with wings. I guess it’s considering I looooove killing them demonz ‘n such, and I’m such a die-hard Nintendo fan. Lol jk.

I can see how people can like this game, but let me tell you it is not for the faint of heart. This one of those hardcore games that really shouldn’t be so damn hardcore. I don’t really care for it because of the gameplay, but if you can get past the ground combat it could be a fun game. I’ve been told that multiplayer is pretty fun, but I haven’t played it much. I’d give Kid Icarus Uprising a 5/10. It has a lot of promise but falls flat. So much for wings, eh Icarus?

Written by: bobwinkle12

This Week in History: 4/1-4/7

This week in history focuses on the death of an icon. On this day in 1994, Kurt Cobain committed suicide at his home in Seattle. There has always been controversy surrounding the event, but the fact remains a lot of people lost a musician they considered to be the voice of their generation. Kurt Cobain was a little ahead of my time. He did not have the same meaning to me as he might have to someone 5 or 10 years my senior. However, I do see his importance and wondered myself: Who is the voice in music of my generation? Let me go ahead and debate this while the trolls find a large bridge to unite under.

First, it is hard to really pick anyone as the music voice of my time, since it does not pay to be different. Just look at the artists of today. If you are not copying the Lady Gaga's or the Justin Bieber's of the world, you probably have a rather small following. Just look at Katy Perry and Nicki Minaj. Both are talented in my opinion. In Katy Perry's case she does not need all the gimmicks she pulls to be good. She has a strong voice when she uses it and does not drown it out with dance beats. In the case of Nicki Minaj, she underwhelms because she is trying too hard to get into the pop world. She had so much promise on songs like Kanye West's "Monster" but pissed it away to sing about "Starships". These two are not the only cases either, just look at Jessie J.

Preview of this year's Grammys?

seriously? WTF!

The point I am making is that if you are creative you will not receive the credit you deserve. Kurt Cobain did something different and was still popular. Bands like Fun., The Wombats, and Arcade Fire are popular but not nearly as marketable or insanely well known. I guess I am just frustrated in what Americans want from their musicians. This would not be an issue if people stopped buying total crap *COUGH* LMFAO *COUGH*.

Anyway, time to stop ranting and come up with a person who I think deserves a lot of credit for their musical ability. The artists that I narrowed my list down to are Kanye West and Jack White. In my opinion they are two people that just hear music differently. Kanye has created one of the greatest rap albums of all time in "Dark Twisted Fantasy". He also was brave enough to go completely out of his comfort zone in "808s". Jack White has worked on so many great projects, is a beast of a guitar player, and writes some amazing music. In the end, I chose Jack White. His work with the White Stripes will stand the test of time, The Raconteurs are one of the most solid rock bands to create music in the past 10 years and he has a solo album on the way that I am sure will not disappoint. Did I mention he also played the drums in the Dead Weather Project? He is just an unbelievable talent and if you have never taken the time to check out his work do it. Now.

So I leave this week's segment with a question. Who do you think is the most important musician of our time? Let me know in the comments section. Oh and if you trolls are forming an army, bring it on. I'm going to go all "Carolina Drama" on your ass.

Mind your Manhers #1- Bicycles suck

There are many things that bug me; most of them are stupid some of them are really stupid and others are just plain Seinfeld-crazy.  This segment is going to detail my opinions on various day to day activities that I find annoying, and also comment on the people that do them.  This segment will not feature any actual facts and are based solely on my incredibly biased opinions.  Enjoy!

One of the things on my short list is people who ride their bikes on sidewalks.  This especially annoys me in a college campus setting where everything is within an half a mile radius.  Is your time that precious that you can’t spend 10 minutes walking to class? Is it even more precious that you feel the need to take to the crowded sidewalks of a walking campus in a bike, spearing people with your handlebars in the gut and running people off the sidewalk and into the road?  That is not the worst thing, though; the only thing worse is people who ride their bikes on the road.  It’s one thing to have deal with them on sidewalk, but having to deal with them in a car is even more annoying.  When you’re capable of going 50 miles per hour, but are stuck behind a bicyclist piddlefarting around at breakneck speeds of up to 15 miles per hour makes me madder than a hamster owned by a gay couple.  Now I know what you’re thinking, if cyclists don’t ride on sidewalk or the road then where will they drive? My response to that is, in HELL.

Written by: manherism

The Easter Bunny: "Cute and Cuddly" or "Deranged Lunatic"?

As a child I always loved Easter. I remember having the time of my life hunting for Easter Eggs around my home and yard.  My parents always put quarters in my eggs so it made the hunt even more thrilling. I felt like a tiny Indiana Jones on my hunt for treasure.

"THERE"S QUARTERS IN THEM EGGS!"



This year I began to think about the Easter Bunny and got a bit confused. I had never really heard the history of our chocolate-loving  bunny mascot and wanted to do some research. The reason I was so concerned was this: What if you had never heard of the Easter Bunny? If you think about what he does, just in the most basic concept, it is wierd. He is a rabbit that goes and kidnaps unborn chickens, paints them and hides them for people to pass by and discover. I mean... WHAT?!

Bring your animals inside this Easter.

All joking aside, I now present the actual reason the Easter Bunny is associated with Easter. The Easter Bunny comes from (Like so many other holiday mascots) a pagan god. This god was called Eastre and she was represented by a rabbit. The rabbit was known as the most fertile creature in existence at the time and therefore it represented new life in Spring.

The modern Easter Bunny came as a tradition in Germany. Germans made edible Easter Bunnies out of sugar and pastries in the 1800's. Finally, Easter gained recognition in America after the Civil War. The Civil War brought about the more modern opinion of religion being about hope and not the fear that God is going to smite the world for their sins any day now. Religous hope allowed for the Easter Bunny to gain popularity and become the colorful, egg hider he is today.

So where did the eggs come from? Well in most cultures the egg represents rebirth. Germans would leave these eggs painted in bright colors for their children to find. They were fun and represented the beginning of spring as well as Jesus' resurrection.

From now on whenever you think about Easter, thank the Germans for brining over their fun, Easter traditions. And, to answer the question in the title, the Easter Bunny is definitely not a threat to you or your dog. Have a fun, safe Easter, and have one more funny Easter picture for the road.

How to play Pokemon like a bawss

Dear readers, I know you have been catchin’, trainin’, and fightin’ with them Pokémon for years now, but I want to let you in on a little secret.  There’s a better way to play those old Pokémon games you that are collecting dust in your closet, dungeon, or whatever you kids keep your awesome collectables.  It’s called the Nuzlocke Challenge.

Essentially this challenge makes the easy-schmeezy Pokémon games much, much harder.   You play the game exactly the same way as you normally would except with these three rules.

1. Any Pokémon that faints is considered dead, and must be released.  (This means that if a Pokémon gets knocked out in battle, you must go release it the next opportunity you get.  This gives Pokémon that sense of realism when you fight other Pokémon.  Also, it makes you a lot less reckless in battles!)
2.  The player may catch only the first Pokémon encountered in each area, and no other ones. If the first Pokémon encountered faints or flees then tough titties – there are no second chances.  (This is makes the game much more difficult.  You can only catch that first Pokémon in a section of grass, cave, sea, or whatever. It makes it frustrating when you run into those punk-ass Rattatas or those Zubat cave-trolls.) 
3.  You must nickname your Pokémon.  (This might sound dumb, especially to those that do not bother with this function normally.  But it adds a layer of connection to your Pokémon, and it makes the game that much more emotionally painful when a Pokémon dies. I’ve had days ruined because of this – just screaming their name through the night.)

Alright, that sounds like a lot, but it really isn’t!  If you play carefully and spend so many extra hours grinding(training) your Pokémon, you’ll beat the game in a snap – or three years.  Be careful and have fun! *Wink*

A lot of peeps create comics or show some way of showing regards to their fallen Pokémon.  The Petty Nuzlocke Challege is one of my favorites.  Here’s a sample.

Now go do it wussies!  Pick up your fave Pokémon game, and get to it!   I’m currently on a Pokémon Black run, and it’s a bitch.  I lost my Poseidon (Oshawott) before I even reached the first gym. 

Written by: bobwinkle12

Last Week's Biggest History Moment

March 27th was a very important anniversary for middle-to-late aged men and the ladies in their life.  On that day in 1998, the silver hairs had something to shout about. It was talked about on every social network used by the older crowd, or at least the social network of 1998: The early bird special at the reitrement home. If you haven't guessed what I am talking about yet the answer is... Viagra! That little blue pill is almost 15 years old now and their commercials just keep getting better. I mean think of the most recent, you know the one of the guy in the desert with his broken down car. Sure he might not be able to fix it, but hey at least he can get an erection. Too bad the only person around is the crusty mechanic, but maybe they worked out a deal. I'm not here to judge.

Thinking back to that commercial reminded me of another viagra one from a few years ago. Does anyone remember this gem:

Anyway, I would like to thank viagra for fourteen years of funny commericals and the LONG hours of HARD work they put in to make this medication safe and effective.

He also wants to say Thanks for the Memories!

Center Court of the Superdome while Anthony Davis Shoots for 3

As you probably might have heard the Final Four is going on this weekend, and it has been a relatively uneventful tournament this season, with only a handful of big upsets and no seed lower than 4 in the Final Four. Yet despite that, it has still been a good year. Living in Baton Rouge it is exciting to know that there is an event this big going on in relatively close proximity to you. The best part is all the other hoopla that goes along with these big events. Over the course of the weekend they have held free concerts in the New Orleans area. Which I guess is cool if you want to see a bunch people who haven't been relevant for 20 years. Among the C-listers playing this weekend is Jimmy Buffett, that’s even more disturbing than Anthony Davis's uni-brow which I'm pretty sure is visible from space. So while Ohio State solidified that the Superdome is just not a good place to play basketball or football I still hope that this National Championship game coming up on Monday is a lot better than the last championship game that was played there.

In other news LSU held their yearly Groovin on the Grounds concert featuring Ludacris last week which is put on by a group of students who are against drinking, sex and other fun stuff…who are known as losers. The thing that I find the most difficult to comprehend is why in the hell would you get Ludacris to come do a concert for an anti-fun group of people especially when his songs are full of drug and sex references - it just seems a little contradictory. They seriously started the concert off by talking about other things you could do instead of drinking and doing drugs and having sex (to a crowd of drunk booing students) and then Ludacris came out. With all that said, it was still the best free hour long concert on the LSU Parade grounds that I have ever been to even though Luda wasn't allowed to cuss or make drug references, which to be honest is like telling a fish not swim or a peacock not to fly. This concert did at least prove one thing, no matter how successful you were in the late 90’s and early 2000’s at some point you will need more money, and then you will be willing to perform a free concert for an hour at a college for $85,000 dollars and not even be able to cuss (which to be honest isn't bad money, it just seems kind of desperate and sell-outish).




-Written by: manherism

The Hoodie Problem

This week’s headlines have been all about the Trayvon Martin case. Please let allow me to fill you in, I realize you could have kept yourself busy by starting early preparations for the Mayan end of the world and locked yourself in a bomb shelter – I mean, who hasn’t?. Anyways, Trayvon Martin, a Florida teenager, was shot in his community of Sanford, Florida by a self-appointed neighborhood watch chief, George Zimmerman. Zimmerman, the suburban vigilante, called 911, and reported that he was following a young, suspicious looking man. From here on the facts get a bit cloudy and in the end the teenager was found dead. Zimmerman told police it was self defense and they instantly took him on his word. No arrest, drug charge, or anything. Since when do police get to choose who is guilty or innocent? With that logic I could go out and do what I want. Coincidentally, I could probably use some new car speakers. Maybe I’ll just bust in Best Buy and grab some. All I would have to do is tell the police that I left my wallet in there. Hell, if I was in Sanford they would probably help me carry it all out. The Sanford police were not the only ones that picked up a case of the stupid from this incident. Enter Geraldo Rivera. Last week, Rivera made a comment about the hoodie being the cause of Zimmerman’s violent act. His reasoning was, “I'll bet you money, if he didn't have that hoodie on, that nutty neighborhood watch guy wouldn't have responded in that violent and aggressive way." Now I have worn cotton’s greatest weapon, the hoodie, and never once had people ran away in fear from me. I also have never seen a young man in a hoodie and thought, “Maybe I should follow him and make sure he is not being a menace.” Honestly, I would feel more threatened by two guys dressed up like Kriss-Kross.

Turn those shirts around boys… You’re giving me the heebie-jeebies.

But in all seriousness this is an issue that bothers me to the extreme here in the United States. We seriously need to stop judging people by the color of their skin, clothing, piercings, tattoos, sexual preference and whether or not they like Nickelback. It’s just wrong. Rivera was trying to say not to give people the chance to see you as a threat for wearing a hoodie if you are a minority. The fact that it might have some validity makes it even more wrong. This country is based on a lot of personal freedom. That freedom should include the right to wear whatever the hell you want. Yes, even you Kriss-Kross (or you Gaga… unfortunately) Most of these low-income kids that Rivera was preaching to have so many issues as it is. One of them should never have to ask themselves, “What should I wear to keep people from wanting me killed or arrested?” There is no doubt; this whole case is a tragedy. The poor kid only had skittles and ice tea in his possession; he was never a threat. There is not one universe in which a teenager should be killed in the prime of their youth like this, and for it to be okay. If it turns out Zimmerman was acting in self defense it is a sad situation as well. He is doomed to a lonely life where most of America sees him as a killer. The way I feel about this case is not the part that I want you to remember. What we all need to think about is our habit of automatically judging someone based on superficial things. Take a step back, get to know the person, and then make your judgment call.

P.S. Geraldo Rivera, please go back to warfare play-by-play or exploring for mobster vaults that do not exist. Thank you.

Written By:A Horney Boy

Mass Effect 3: Nerdgasm or Nerdrage?

I was recently talking to an acquaintance of mine about Bioware (the developer of the Mass Effect series) about where would video game developers/producers go when they die. I said Bioware would go to Heaven first, and then go to Hell. Mass Effect, in case you aren’t a nerd, is a series of sci-fi video games that follows the adventures of Commander Shepard (and co.) travelling around the galaxy killing evil things and saving lives. Mass Effect 3 was released in early March of this year, and needless to say I was about to have a hype-explosion. I personally consider Mass Effect 2 to be one of the best games ever made. I wanted it ever so badly!...despite the already bad press it was receiving before the release (day 1 downloadable content).

OMEGA SPOILERS!!! 

So Mass Effect 3 you are fighting the Reapers (aka the giant flying robo-squids that make that weird-whale-like sound from War of the Worlds) to save the galaxy ‘cuz they like killing “all organics” – that means any living creature for the non-geeks. I enjoyed the heck out of the 30 something hours I put into this, in fact; I beat it in the first week it came out. When I got to the ending of the game I was offered a sort of mediocre ending; not really getting much explanation as to why the Reapers exist and kill everything. And it kind of felt like they made the ending weird just to be remembered by – “Crap, man! Can you believe that kid was the lead reaper…thing?! I thought that kid got blow’d up!!!” And you know what, I was fine with that. I was okay with my forced ending that really didn’t make much sense. Why you might ask? Because I enjoyed the crap out of the journey getting to the ending; the third entry to this series had some of the most fun/craziest set-pieces to play through. Enter internet. I immediately went full-blown nerd-rage when I watched all the endings: screaming, then pouting, and finally contemplating suicide. I immediately recall Casey Hudson announcing that the endings would be drastically different. Complete bull shit! I was so upset with Bioware and myself for believing that. Every ending is exactly the same except for the colors of the explosions; oh and the one you put the most effort in Shepard survives. What is this crap? Did they not think we wouldn’t notice? “Oh man! I can’t think of different endings! Well story design Joe, here at EA, we like to shovel out easily made crap so our consumers keep buying it. So, uh, just make the colors of that one explosion different – yeah that’s some individuality!” So yeah all those playthroughs of ME 1 and 2 were for nothing. All those decisions didn’t really account for much. I felt so utterly disappointed. Making those stressful decisions, creating meaningful friendships, and becoming drawn in an engrossing story were some of my favorite aspects.

HEY! BUT WAIT THERE’S MULTIPLAYER!

 Crap, I guess that totally makes up for….NO IT DOESN’T. 

 Then, rather quickly, Bioware released a statement saying that the feel bad that their fanbase is upset about the ending to the final of the Mass Effect series. Then, they promise to make some addition to clarify some stuff that wasn’t even talked about in the game – REAPERS. So being the faithful albeit jaded fan of Bioware I took their word. Now, I guess we wait to see if they make the ending less…sucky. Bitching aside, I still really enjoy Mass Effect 3. It has the smoothest gameplay and way tighter controls than its predecessors. I also think the graphics were a lot better too. Bioware did a tremendous job in creating a universe that is utterly believable and captivating, so I guess good job on that behalf. But at the end of the day, I feel it was a tad disappointing for such an awesome series.

 I’d give it a 9/10 mostly because I love Mass Effect series, and how much better they made everything except the ending. I actually really enjoyed the story and the pacing of the game up until the ending. My only remark is that the end-game section didn't give you the feeling that the weight of the world was on your shoulders like the second game did; that suicide mission was excellent because of how stressful and intense it was. That wasn't translated into the third game unfortunately. I really, really, love the customization aspects they added – tweaking your gun out with some sick-ass mods, and given the option to pick different upgrades for your abilities was much loved as well. Besides the ending, another major flaw to ME3 is the almost total lack of side missions. I mean they’re there, but it’s like “Oh hey I need a banner, so when you find one when you’re scanning planets bring it back to me. Kthnxbai.” Seriously? That is so weak compared to the fun side missions and loyalty missions that the ME2 had. Speaking of loyalty, your crew isn’t nearly as amazing, fun, or awesome as the second game. I really enjoyed the cameos from some of my favorite former crewmates – especially Mordin, Wrex, Grunt, Legion and Thane. But Ashley (or Kaiden) are no replacements for these folks; for the most part they are just there for romance options and to question your motives. Sounds awesome? WRONG. Ugh. The DLC character that is a (SPOILER!!!!!!!!) Prothean was pretty cool, but I laughed really hard when I realized he was an alien with an African/Jamaican voice. And the other crew member James, I think that’s right, was alright. I feel bad for Bioware they’re getting a lot of flack for making him seem too Jersey Shore-ish. I didn’t even see that comparison, and I actually liked him as a companion albeit mostly because he is super hardy and can take a crap-ton of hits. I’m really happy that Garrus and Liara made it back for the finale, I feel like having those two with you from the beginning to the end is really comforting. Why no mention of Tali? Because she’s the worst! I don’t understand the love for her. Okay, so 9/10. Good game, but like I said, I expected more. Bioware, you know you’re better than this – Tell EA to get off your back.

Now I’m gonna work on my next playthrough…

Written By: bobwinkle12

May the Weenus Be Ever In Your Favor

So! I confess to all that I have yet to read blisteringly popular Hunger Games series. My students all love, you all seem to love (Ps, you ate that ish up!), and well, I am just so out of the loop.
Note to all, hugely big spoilers ahead in every paragraph of this. So if you don't want it spoilt, stay the hell away from it!

So, for the few of us who haven't read it, like I hadn't, allow me to give a brief overview. The world is in chaos, and the remaining provinces of America have been split into 12 Districts. Each one, going from 1 down, is poorer than the other. Our heroine, Katniss, of course hails from the poorest district, because what fun would it be if the rich win again? NONE! So she is dirt poor, and an awesome archer. All the districts have to have two representatives, a guy and a woman, picked (by chance) to serve their district in the Hunger Games. What are they, you ask? Well, basically, they're this method of punishment for an old rebellion. The 12 districts once had united and tried to crush the Capitol, but were subdued and so in retaliation for that awfulness they did, they have to offer two kids as tribute. Of course, our lady is Katniss, the ever sultry Jennifer Lawrence. When the selection committee arrives and picks out the names, she does the whole selfless sister act by offering herself as tribute for her sister, who is the first one actually selected, and then of course, get primped and pumped as the next big thing when she gets taken to the grand old Capitol with Peeta, her semi-love interest/past life savior.

Fire and brimstone! My favourite part of the beginning hour, easily, was Katniss and Peeta coming out in the blaze of magical fire. And their bad-a leather suits. Looked like something right out of an anime. BERSERK. Who was expecting Lenny Kravitz to be their dress-up dude? Not me!

So yada yada, they introduce themselves, go through some training periods where they get mean mugged by the other 22 contestants because they're poor and filthy. This was the only draggy part of the movie; out of 2 hours and 20 minutes or so, this part took a good 20, and honestly, they coulda done it in 10 or so. The intros on the chariots were bad as hell, but they were the only really cool parts.

Woody Harrelson..I'll be honest, I expected more from him. He is one of my all-time faves to watch, but he really seemed to just phone it in this time. He played the pretty much constantly drunken Haymitch, and he was just the guru/mentor for our hottie and the dude from Kids Are All Right. But he just kinda had a nothing part. Exaggerated the drunken-but-wise stereotype, and played a little behind the scenes helper bit to Katniss when she got injured, but apart from that, no.

And the games began! I was bowled over with how violent this was! From the very beginning of the competition. It was the tensest buildups I've seen in ages. If I recall correctly, the music was very muted, and it was just the countdown. I wish it hadn't gone from 30 seconds and just did 10, because it felt so dragged out. But at the same, me likey the non-traditional countdown. Blood, blood, slashing, and fierce anger calls all made up this scene. Along with the dreaded shaky cam. Ugh. It didn't work for Bourne, it doesn't work for anything. Thankfully it only lasted a few seconds!

The most interesting thing about this as opposed to Lord of the Flies or Battle Royale is that the Capitol (evilness personified) observes all the players, and not just them, but everyone in all the districts gets to watch. Three days of unrelenting terror! Watching friends and fam get sliced and diced and blowed up. Imagine that trauma. My gosh.

LOOK AT THAT BEARD!

The actual games were almost as thrilling as the build up. Except for the fact that Katniss was in a tree like half the movie. Lolol. But I guess she did have to survive, because see, the three main (or four, I can't remember) bad boys and girls got together and banded up (which you aren't supposed to really do, but they don't give any kind of fucks). And by the time the bloodbath in the beginning is done, only about 8 of the 16 kids are still alive. You got the bad ass peckerwood Kato, who is the guy rep from District 1, so you know he's tough, with his name and sword skills and all. And then his little blonde bish girlfriend, and then that weirdo girl from The Orphan who in this thing and throws knives like a baller. Okay, so three of them, not four. Most of the movie was pure survival tactics. You'd think 'laaaaaame.' And yet, despite this, I was rarely bored. It has a remarkable sense of tension throughout it. We knows Katniss survives, of course, because there's two more book series. “But will Peeta survive?" was the question I had the whole movie? Of course he does! The games start off with one winner, but of course *more spoilers! Tee hee* This dude with the awesomest facial hair in history, who's the organizer of the games, decides welllll, why not? Screw it! Let's have two winners! Or at least the possibility of them. Since Peeta and Katniss are both from D12, and they have the whole R&J star crossed lover shtuff going on. So Facial Hair Man is like 'hey, boss dude, let's make it so there's two winners!' And boom! The game changes, and things shift to nasty.

So, I fear I am veering too far into plot summary and not enough actual review. Whoops! Tee hee. Overall, I'd give it a solid 9. A 9! Yeah, 10s reserved for the Star Warses, Boogie Nights, American History X's, the Clerks, the Superbads, the movies that you can watch time and time again and be blown away by awesome/funny/awesomely funny it is. I really enjoyed this one, but I can't see me seeing it again. At least not soon. But definitely, if you haven't seen it, go check it out!!
Peace, my little chickadees

P.S. Elizabeth Banks = WHOA WHAT THE HELLL!! That costume (actually, costumes) was beyond ridiculous on her. Crazy white albino face, pink makeup, crazy costumes. And being a huge bitch, but she always does that in movies. The crazy girl or the meanie. Though, first movie I ever saw with you where I wasn't instaboner. Matter of fact, this time it shrank. A powerful testament to the wonders of makeup.

Shrivel me wiener!

Written By: The Village Elder

Jesus = Tebow

The NFL has been pretty eventful over the past few weeks, but the most recent news from the NFL is also the dumbest. Tim Tebow is quite possibly the worst quarterback to play in the NFL since Jamarcus Russell, but he is also one of the most talked about even though he hasn't done shit except take credit for wins that he had no effect in. His recent trade to the jets is the dumbest thing that I have ever heard. You already have one crappy quarterback why do you want another besides having two quarterbacks that require multimillion dollar contracts which they don't even deserve take up space for useful players that could actually contribute to the team. This is the reason why I think that the Jets are one of the worst organizations in the NFL being only above the Jaguars, Raiders, Chiefs and Dolphins (not necessarily in that order but close). Now you have the dynamic of a crazy coach with a foot fetish, the guy who thinks he is a reincarnation of Jesus Christ, and Mark “dirty” Sanchez who can’t even go 3 hours without having to cram a hotdog down his throat - Let’s see how happy Fireman Ed is with this dynamic. If I were him I would get rid of the fireman helmet, and get a Jets colored gun because I’m sure that by the end of the season he is going to want to end it all.

The NFhelL as you might have heard the NFL recently approved new overtime rules for the regular season adopting the playoff overtime rules for the regular season and adding replays for all turnovers. Now I agree with the first part of this I would prefer it if it went to the college football rules but this is a good start. I have never been a fan of overtime because what it came down to was people moving just enough down the field to get in field goal range so they could go for the easy win. This put more of an emphasis on actually trying to make a touchdown. It won’t turn into a shootout like in college football, but I think that it will make overtime at least more interesting. As for adding more replays I think enough is enough. They are trying to concentrate so hard on making everything fair and taking out the human error involved in football if they keep adding all these mandatory replays to the game not only are they gonna take longer they are going to be more boring. There is already like only 15 minutes of actual gameplay in a 3 hour football game anyway. Another question that comes to mind that I have been pondering lately is what’s the point of having coach’s challenges when all the stuff that matters in the game is under mandatory review anyway? No matter what you do nothing is perfect! If it ain’t broke don’t fix it. If we keep allowing Roger Goodell to make all these changes he’ll only further his tyrannical rule until he eventually takes over North America, and started killing all the people who have ever given anybody a concussion.

Written By: manherism