May the Weenus Be Ever In Your Favor

So! I confess to all that I have yet to read blisteringly popular Hunger Games series. My students all love, you all seem to love (Ps, you ate that ish up!), and well, I am just so out of the loop.
Note to all, hugely big spoilers ahead in every paragraph of this. So if you don't want it spoilt, stay the hell away from it!

So, for the few of us who haven't read it, like I hadn't, allow me to give a brief overview. The world is in chaos, and the remaining provinces of America have been split into 12 Districts. Each one, going from 1 down, is poorer than the other. Our heroine, Katniss, of course hails from the poorest district, because what fun would it be if the rich win again? NONE! So she is dirt poor, and an awesome archer. All the districts have to have two representatives, a guy and a woman, picked (by chance) to serve their district in the Hunger Games. What are they, you ask? Well, basically, they're this method of punishment for an old rebellion. The 12 districts once had united and tried to crush the Capitol, but were subdued and so in retaliation for that awfulness they did, they have to offer two kids as tribute. Of course, our lady is Katniss, the ever sultry Jennifer Lawrence. When the selection committee arrives and picks out the names, she does the whole selfless sister act by offering herself as tribute for her sister, who is the first one actually selected, and then of course, get primped and pumped as the next big thing when she gets taken to the grand old Capitol with Peeta, her semi-love interest/past life savior.

Fire and brimstone! My favourite part of the beginning hour, easily, was Katniss and Peeta coming out in the blaze of magical fire. And their bad-a leather suits. Looked like something right out of an anime. BERSERK. Who was expecting Lenny Kravitz to be their dress-up dude? Not me!

So yada yada, they introduce themselves, go through some training periods where they get mean mugged by the other 22 contestants because they're poor and filthy. This was the only draggy part of the movie; out of 2 hours and 20 minutes or so, this part took a good 20, and honestly, they coulda done it in 10 or so. The intros on the chariots were bad as hell, but they were the only really cool parts.

Woody Harrelson..I'll be honest, I expected more from him. He is one of my all-time faves to watch, but he really seemed to just phone it in this time. He played the pretty much constantly drunken Haymitch, and he was just the guru/mentor for our hottie and the dude from Kids Are All Right. But he just kinda had a nothing part. Exaggerated the drunken-but-wise stereotype, and played a little behind the scenes helper bit to Katniss when she got injured, but apart from that, no.

And the games began! I was bowled over with how violent this was! From the very beginning of the competition. It was the tensest buildups I've seen in ages. If I recall correctly, the music was very muted, and it was just the countdown. I wish it hadn't gone from 30 seconds and just did 10, because it felt so dragged out. But at the same, me likey the non-traditional countdown. Blood, blood, slashing, and fierce anger calls all made up this scene. Along with the dreaded shaky cam. Ugh. It didn't work for Bourne, it doesn't work for anything. Thankfully it only lasted a few seconds!

The most interesting thing about this as opposed to Lord of the Flies or Battle Royale is that the Capitol (evilness personified) observes all the players, and not just them, but everyone in all the districts gets to watch. Three days of unrelenting terror! Watching friends and fam get sliced and diced and blowed up. Imagine that trauma. My gosh.

LOOK AT THAT BEARD!

The actual games were almost as thrilling as the build up. Except for the fact that Katniss was in a tree like half the movie. Lolol. But I guess she did have to survive, because see, the three main (or four, I can't remember) bad boys and girls got together and banded up (which you aren't supposed to really do, but they don't give any kind of fucks). And by the time the bloodbath in the beginning is done, only about 8 of the 16 kids are still alive. You got the bad ass peckerwood Kato, who is the guy rep from District 1, so you know he's tough, with his name and sword skills and all. And then his little blonde bish girlfriend, and then that weirdo girl from The Orphan who in this thing and throws knives like a baller. Okay, so three of them, not four. Most of the movie was pure survival tactics. You'd think 'laaaaaame.' And yet, despite this, I was rarely bored. It has a remarkable sense of tension throughout it. We knows Katniss survives, of course, because there's two more book series. “But will Peeta survive?" was the question I had the whole movie? Of course he does! The games start off with one winner, but of course *more spoilers! Tee hee* This dude with the awesomest facial hair in history, who's the organizer of the games, decides welllll, why not? Screw it! Let's have two winners! Or at least the possibility of them. Since Peeta and Katniss are both from D12, and they have the whole R&J star crossed lover shtuff going on. So Facial Hair Man is like 'hey, boss dude, let's make it so there's two winners!' And boom! The game changes, and things shift to nasty.

So, I fear I am veering too far into plot summary and not enough actual review. Whoops! Tee hee. Overall, I'd give it a solid 9. A 9! Yeah, 10s reserved for the Star Warses, Boogie Nights, American History X's, the Clerks, the Superbads, the movies that you can watch time and time again and be blown away by awesome/funny/awesomely funny it is. I really enjoyed this one, but I can't see me seeing it again. At least not soon. But definitely, if you haven't seen it, go check it out!!
Peace, my little chickadees

P.S. Elizabeth Banks = WHOA WHAT THE HELLL!! That costume (actually, costumes) was beyond ridiculous on her. Crazy white albino face, pink makeup, crazy costumes. And being a huge bitch, but she always does that in movies. The crazy girl or the meanie. Though, first movie I ever saw with you where I wasn't instaboner. Matter of fact, this time it shrank. A powerful testament to the wonders of makeup.

Shrivel me wiener!

Written By: The Village Elder