Kid Icarus: Uprising Review

I bought a 3DS much to the behest of Hoeney McGraw (our sexy news blogger) at the beginning of this year. It wasn’t one of the smartest decisions I’ve made, but I revel in buying new toys – Plus that X-Mas money was burning a hole in my pocket. As time passed, I pretty much only used my 3DS as a substitute to play my Pokemonz on. I enjoyed the ports of classic N64 games (I’d say buy it to play Ocarina of Time and Starfox!), but I wasn’t crazy about any of the original, new titles for this handheld. Shoot, my 3DS came with that new Mario game and I beat that in, like, three days.

Earlier this week I was persuaded once more by Hoeney McGraw to throw money down on a new 3DS title, Kid Icarus: UPRISING. Sounds f’ing epic, right mates? Wait a second…is that the little angel archer kid from Super Smash Bros Brawl? Yup! It is! I couldn’t believe it. They gave this kid a game all to himself. I instantly realized what this game was going to be about; spamming arrows just like in Brawl. And what do you know, I was right!

Oh you can't? Well...Fox could!

So Uprising plays like Starfox sometimes and then like a drunken 3^rd person shooter. Oh sweet nostalgia, how you deceive me! The game’s single player is split up in bite-size chapters that are played half in the air and the other half on the ground. This, in theory, sounds like a class act, but let me tell you it is not. You will feel dirty, used, and very confused. When you take to the skies it is a beautiful and fun game. I actually wouldn’t recommend you not using the 3D function because it is entirely too many things coming at you and it makes you feel sick. That bummed me out a bit because Star Fox looked really cool 3D. You don’t have control of where you’re going (on the rails shooter), but you can move your character on the screen to dodge enemy fire and obstacles. You fire your weapon in rapid fire or wait and blow up your enemies with a charged shot. Cool, fun stuff. I really, really dug the flying sequences because I have much love for that old-school Star Fox - except you can't do a barrel roll.

Then, tragically, you are forced to land on the ground to finish up the job. What the heck?! . You get on the ground and you have complete control of your character now; this means that you can move backwards and forwards at your will unlike the flying sequences. That sounds pretty cool, but then you’re in control of the camera too. It is literally one of those moments when you realize you are in way too deep. It is such a responsibility, nay a challenge, to take control of both movement and camera control on a 3DS. It makes you wish for that special something that controllers have…what is it? Oh yeah...ANOTHER JOYSTICK! Holy Hades this game blows on the ground! You control the camera by swiping the stylus on the bottom screen, but you also aim with the stylus on the bottom screen. It is nearly impossible to be capable of defeating enemies and moving around at the fast pace of the game. Then the game lets you in that you have little power ups that are you can only activate by touching them on the left corner of the screen. It’s overwhelming! I died too many times trying to juggle with a wonky camera, shooting baddies, and trying to just not die. I forgot to mention there’s melee combat on the ground that feels super awkward because you rush up to the baddie, and then you lose sight of everything else around you.

This thing is retarded.

And another major complaint of mine is how you hold the 3DS whilst playing this game. Your left hand holds the handheld for the most part; you use your left index finger to use the L-bumper to shoot and your left thumb to control your character via left joystick. Now, here’s the beef, your right hand is used purely for the use of the stylus on the second screen; your right hand does not really hold on to the right side of the 3DS. This is a huge deal because for whatever reason it can make your hand ache and I felt like I was playing kind of tilted-like. To combat this problem the game is packaged with a little stand. I felt like this was absolutely retarded. Who can play a portable game with a stand? Oh yeah, waiting in line…let me pass the time by playing Kid Icarus…let me pull out my stand and 3DS...don’t have anything to put the stand on…FOILED AGAIN! Christ almighty, Nintendo! You’re better than this! Next time when you want to make a game for the 3DS please don’t make me have to use a stand. I guess if I ever had one of the legendary Circle Pad Pros this problem would be gone, but those are hard to get a hold of – Screw you, GameStop.

Despite my gripes about ground-combat, there are a lot of other cool elements about Uprising. You have this really cool weapons forging system. There’s nine different types of weapons that all have a different feel to them; some are slow like the cannon, some are quick like claws, some are melee focused like arm weapons, and some are well rounded like bows. So basically you can take any weapon you buy or earn from single or multiplayer and fuse them together to make a wholly different creation. This is very addicting, and to be honest the only thing that brought me back to play the game. There are also abilities, but they’re a hot mess. We’re not going to talk about them.

I don’t really remember much of the story because of how heavy-handed and kiddy it was – I think you are tasked in killing demons from Medusa or something? I don’t know, it was very faux-Greek-Mythology, but not really in a cool or interesting way. Nintendo just took Greek Myth and made it kiddie and recognizable. Your first boss is very similar to the three-headed dog Cerberus but with some other name…I think it was Twinbellows and with only two heads. The game is riddled with stuff like that, and the whole time I’m thinking ‘Who is this, Icarus?’ I really don’t know; just some kid with wings. I guess it’s considering I looooove killing them demonz ‘n such, and I’m such a die-hard Nintendo fan. Lol jk.

I can see how people can like this game, but let me tell you it is not for the faint of heart. This one of those hardcore games that really shouldn’t be so damn hardcore. I don’t really care for it because of the gameplay, but if you can get past the ground combat it could be a fun game. I’ve been told that multiplayer is pretty fun, but I haven’t played it much. I’d give Kid Icarus Uprising a 5/10. It has a lot of promise but falls flat. So much for wings, eh Icarus?

Written by: bobwinkle12