Catherine Review

Catherine!  My god, this is a weird game!  I say this because I know, for a fact, that this is the most unique video game I’ve played in years.  I picked it up a couple of weeks ago during GameStop’s infamous B2G1 pre-owned deals (I’ll review those other games later!), and I have been playing it off and on ever since.  I believe this game came out sometime last year.  So what makes this game ever so different and weird?  Well, allow me throw the deets at ya, bro!  When you start the game you are treated with this peculiar intro that makes you think the game is a cartoon movie or something, then immediately afterward this woman with one of the hugest afros ever (Get this! Her name is freaking Trisha, the Midnight Venus!  WTF!).  She is sitting beside a TV that displays the words GOLDEN PLAYHOUSE.  She kind of blathers on explaining that we’re watching a tv show or something called the Golden Playhouse.  I got the vibe that it was like Twilight Zone, but sexier (Afro chick had mad cleavage!).  Trish, the Midnight Venus, informs us of a rumor that men that have been cheating have been having nightmares lately – If you fall in your dream (nightmare) you die in real life! Gasp! I had a hard time taking this seriously because how cheesy this opening sequence was; I was also very confused… CUT TO DARK. 

LOOK AT THAT CLEAVAGE!

Katherine!  Such a b!

It opens to Vincent, a lanky every-man 30-something year old, and his girlfriend of probably a really long ass time (they should be married) Katherine - supa long haired nerdy-looking same age as Vince braud - are chillin’ at a tea-place.  I don’t remember much about this situation, but I certainly recall that Katherine nagging, and complaining about something. I think it was about talking to her mom about marriage or something like that. Ugh.  Why is Vince with this chick?  She’s just busting his balls already! I already was inclined to hate this woman.

Ya boys at the Stray Sheep!

It jumps to evening time, and it’s another cutscene.  You’re(I’m probably going to say you & Vincent interchangeably) at some bar called the Stray Sheep hanging out with your shit-bag friends.  They’re really not assholes or anything, but they all make a point to get poor Vincent flustered about his life and ish.  One dude’s like the super young naïve one or whatever who's after the red haired waitress (Everyone else thinks she's gross.  Beat the game and you'll find out why!), then there’s the deep-voiced too-good-looking dude who tells ya when you’re doing something dumb because he’s like a super morally sound dude or something, and the other dude who’s the quintessential douchebag that wears a hat.  The four of y’all talk about Vincent’s shit, and whatever.  Here’s a couple of interesting things about the bar.  You can get drunk (there’s a meter that notes how drunk you are after drinking alcoholic beverages, you get trivia after finishing aforementioned alcoholic beverage (I learned a lot of shit! Like what a pousse-café cocktail is.  Just…google it.), you can walk around (I have to note this.  Vincent has the funniest walk ever.  He jams his hands in to his pockets, slouches, and walks around all bow-leggedly.  It’s so weird!), play music at the jukebox, talk to other patrons (this is important for later), and play a stupid ass arcade (It’s exactly the same gameplay as the normal game except it’s about a knight rescuing Rapunzel. Lame.). Then after all your favorite douche-friends leave you to drink by your lonesome, an other worldly hottie walks in.  This chick looks to be eighteen or so, blonde, and wearing a white dress that looks like lingerie. Did I mention she had huge tatas? Catherine has huge tatas! Can you say poppin’ jugs?! (They take advantage of this in a couple of scenes)  She ends up in your booth, and y’all end up talking.  She introduces herself as Catherine, and scooches on over to your side of the booth.  Oh, and what’s this, she accidently falls in to your lap. Aww yeah, your hand on her booty.  I like where this is going …CUT TO DARK.

Make ya move Vincent!

I DIDN'T KNOW THEY'RE WOULD BE SHEEP!

You are in your boxers and for whatever reason and you have mysteriously grown sheep-horns.  You play as Vincent faced with innumerable cascading blocks.  It’s kind of funny, Vincent yells why are these blocks here, and a tutorial-sheep-person explains you gotta climb ‘em to survive! Then, suddenly, a row of blocks below you are destroyed and fall into oblivion.  Now, bro, do you remember what I told you earlier that Trisha, the Midnight Venus said? If you fall in a dream you die in real life!  So now you have an incentive to keep movin’ up them blocks.  This stage is incredibly easy, and there’s not a lot of thinking going on moving these blocks around to get to the top.  You reach the top, and you are transported to a different area. There’s like seven sheep.  Well, let me rephrase this, sheep-people standing around in this area.  In the middle there’s like the old Catholic confessional.  Okay, so I really don't know what's going on, but I'm going to y'know try to understand things..So I decided to see what’s up with the sheep-peeps, and talked to them.  It was pretty funny; they’re all freaking out and wanting to know what’s going on.  I was just like yeah, whatever bro.  I’m just trying to get through this too. (Speech decisions like these effect your good/bad meter).  I hopped into this confessional, and I was shaken by the creepy-ass voice of an angry child. Oh shit, this dude is creepy.  He declares that I am a little sheep, and I must make it through eight stages to reach true freedom.  He then asks me a question, and I’m tasked to choose between two answers – You’re asked a boatload of these questions throughout the game, and apparently they affect how everything turns out.  

Yup, this will haunt you forever.

Now jump back to the real world, wake up.  Everything’s gravy…except Vincent pee’d the bed.  Where did that little hottie go?  So the game plays like this through ten days and ten nights (more like nightmares – woo boy!) Vincent comes to realized that he is cursed because he cheated on Katherine, and the rest of the real world sequences play out as he’s trying to figure out what’s going on while juggling these two babes.  Each night is set up with several levels, and then you have to race to the end while a boss chases yo booty.  Each boss is a horrible monstrosity of something Vincent is stressed out about; without spoiling too much there’s a freaky ass baby one.  I, personally, was haunted by this image.  Oh, and there’s literally a butthead thing boss that will eat you.  That was freaky!  These boss stages are the worst thing about the game.  They really stress me out because they chase you as you’re climbing up the blocks tryin’ to grab or eat ya.  As you progress in the game they do much more annoying things like destroy entire columns of blocks, change blocks to more hostile ones (that will fucking move on their own and have creepy ass faces). And, like almost freaking level they throw a new type of block at you.  This blew my mind by the end of the game there were so many different blocks; the insanity!  My word of advice is to chat it up with your herd of sheepies.  Those worry-warts are busting-at-the-seam with game play knowledge; when you talk to them you have technique discussions.  It’s kinda neat; they show you clever ways to deal with challenges and stuff.   On a side note, you come to realize that these sheep-peeps are actually people you’ve come across in real life, and you get to hear their story.  

Get used to this face.

The rest of the real world sequences are typically cut scenes and hanging out the bar with ya buds.  I have to admit, I really liked the cut scenes in this game.  Everything was drawn/animated beautifully (or hauntingly) and were very good.  The voice acting in this game is top-notch.  I also must admit the story becomes very engrossing, and is what brought me back time and time again to finish this crazy-ass game.  I won’t say this is the most fun game ever, but I’d recommend it to see what the story is about.  If you do not enjoy thinking, I cannot recommend this game to you. I thought so hard I thought my head ‘splode. It throws a lot of curveballs at you, especially towards the end.  Speaking of the end, the nightmare stages are so freaking hard at that point – I think the longest I spent on one level was a little over an hour.  It can become really frustrating, and I ragequit’d many a time. You die so, so, so very much.  You’re not dying because the game messes up or anything; every time you restart a level it’s because you messed up somewhere.  I beat the game on Easy, and it was tough.  I can’t imagine playing this on Normal let alone Hard difficulties.  And the game has, like, eight different endings, so that’s appealing in some way.  Oh and believe me, they’re a hell of a lot better (And different! Take note EA!) than those we were given in Mass Effect 3. 

I think Atlus (those are the Japanese folks that developed and published this title) did a stand-up job creating a very different way to tell a strange tale about relationships, love, freedom, and fantasy. I want to add that the decisions you make have a weight to them, but I never felt like I was pigeon-holed into any answers.  I never in my life thought I would play a puzzle game with an involved story, and I was proven wrong.  Catherine gives the player a meaty story, and tough as nails gameplay. I’d rate it a 9/10.

Written by: bobwinkle12